Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

This has been a great thread, thanks for all posting the funnies, really makes me smile.

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF '08 ...


SMART ASS ANSWER # 6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'





#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Valerie !

Bush beware!


President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to
invade next, when his telephone rang.

'Hallo, President Bush' a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie,
up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!'

'Well Archie,' George replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?'

'Right now,' said Archie, after a moments calculation 'there is myself,
me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!'

George paused... 'I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Holy jeez,' said Archie. 'I'll have ta call ya back!'

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. 'Mr. Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Archie?' George asked.

'Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor.'

President Bush sighed. 'I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to
one and a half million since we last spoke.'

'Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye', said Archie, 'I'll be getting back to
ya.'

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. 'President Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!'

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you
Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'

'Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,' said Archie, 'I'll have ta call youse back.'

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. 'President Bush! I am
sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war.'

'I'm sorry to hear that' said George. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well, sir,' said Archie, 'we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can
feed two million prisoners.'


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'

......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Here are some X-rated riddles:


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

Live well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!!

The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right and the other is the husband.

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR
TRAP AHEAD'.
The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further
down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Roswell , GA . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Ga State Trooper walked to
her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied,
'Georgia State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of
silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left

Valerie... you make my day. I am surrounded by whiny kids with runny noses and you make me smile

you're the best Valerie! Hahaaa..

LIVING WILL

Last night my daughter and I were sitting in
The living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
Dependent on some machine and fluids from a
Bottle to keep me alive. That would be no
Quality of life at all... If that ever happens,
Just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer,
And threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards
The man, who was a Priest, said:
'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied:
'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book
and answered:
'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said:
'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear
his collar that way!'
The Priest, getting impatient, said:
'I am the Father of hundreds'
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for
a while, then leaned over and said:
'Maybe you should wear a condom and
your pants backwards instead of your collar'.

Ohhh.. I love this thread!

Edit: the "laughing emoticon" isn't working? That's why it shows laughing up there instead of a laughing face.. ?

You broke it! I'm tellin'!

Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,

" My Son, you have no arms!"

" No matter" replied the man.

He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked

" Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...

wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly,

" But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs......

"What has happened? Who is this man? " they cried.



" I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......

wait for it.......

wait for it .........

" I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy......

A six year old went to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they got to the hospital, he ran ahead of his grandma and burst into his grandpa's room.

'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he said excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'

'What?' said his grandpa.

'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World !!!!!!!'

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings

are the only animals that stutter', she says.


A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she

volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been
scary', said
the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised
his
back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'... And before he could say
'Shit', the
Rottweiler ate him!

The teacher wet her pants laughing......

Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher asked her class,'Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, 'You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get
fired!'

She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, 'Which body
part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,
'Boy is she gonna get in big trouble'.
The teacher said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye.'

Very good, Jimmy.' Mrs. Parks said and then turned to Molly
and continued 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed. '

A blonde city girl marries a Texas rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show
him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'


The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.


They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the
nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'


The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'


'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.


Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'


The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess

it's to hang your pants on.'