Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

Ack! Too small. I can't read them.

I couldn't read it either, here's a link that you can read though:

http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/dodogshave.html

That was too funny! I am going to have to show my family.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.

For our occasional man


HOME DEPOT SCAM

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As the young minister was not familiar with the backwoods area he became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions. Finally he arrived an hour late.He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was no where in sight.
He quickly apologize to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around still eating there lunch.
He begin pouring out his heart and soul.
As he preached the workers begin to say amen, praise the lord and glory to god. He preached and preached like he had never preached before from Genesis all the way to Revelation.
He closed the lengthy service with prayer and begin to walk to his car. As he was opening his door and taking off his coat he over heard one of the workers saying to the others. I ain't seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than twenty years.

The Story of Sister Mary Katherine...

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
But you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
The Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

LMAO

John Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG .)
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(Made In Malaysia),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't find
a good paying job
in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:

"Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:


"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her."

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that
luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.


'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

LOL

LOL good one!

Ok, THAT was funny!

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.









Employer's response:....

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check.



See you Monday.

I was reading and wondering how you got a letter written by my hubby. He really can not spell, at all. Unfortunately he doesn't look like that. I'd hire him too.

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

LOL! I like that one.

Thanks to who ever moved it..I knew there was a place for jokes, but overlooked this spot.

Here's something a guy posted on another board I am on:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh**.”

A little known
fact...

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet in an NHL game was used in 1974.

It took
100 years for men to realize that the brain is also
important

LOL, they thought they were protecting their brain.

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

This is for anyone who has a mom, has been a mom, or knows a mom.

Mom video