Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

I decided to go ahead and combine all jokes in here. just post them and we can laugh.
Lets try not to offend anyone. And try not to be offended. I doubt that anyone would purposefully write a joke to offend anyone, but I am sure that someone some where will decide that a blonde joke is funny. (when we all know they are not, they are mean and degrading and just plain awful) But me, being a smart, and adorable blonde, refuses to take offence at such foolishery.

Of course if you see a joke that does offend you, and you cant laugh about it, PM any mods, we will look into it!


Basicly, if you are easily offended, please dont go further.
If you intend to offend with a joke, please dont post it.

and remember, dont eat the W's in the M&M package. they are rejects!

Three handsome male dogs are
walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female
Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to
be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the
same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of
her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be
kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and
'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I
love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That
shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the
tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I
HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said
the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's
sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature
but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

He gives
her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and
says....


(ok
this is good)





Liver alone. Cheese mine.

OK, I love that. I am soooo telling everyone I know.

ROFLMAO!!

Thats a good one!

lol.... hubby agrees

Keep posting the jokes valerie!

You sure? Cuz I got lots of them.........

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOB ? says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to bright women and strong men you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little.....

GOOD FRIENDS ARE THE RARE JEWELS OF LIFE...
DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE!

HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY
AND A BETTER TOMORROW!

Yes! Please!

Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping
garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'ma dumpin it here, cause it says
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd
rather be in Louisiana because everything happens i n Louisiana 20
years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered,
'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75 The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


TENNESSEE
A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by a nd was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

ARKANSAS
'You can say what you want about the South,
but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the

beach?'

***********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their

Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from

years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with

her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a

penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger

and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she

could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I

remember the guy you're talking about.'

*************************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a

Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a

few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

*************************************************************
Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he

was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of

years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big clubhouse. The

two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went

on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the

courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered,

'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to

their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say,

'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not

even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and

called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more

courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say

'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.'

and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad

that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center, 'I just bought a new

hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state- of- the-

art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami, went to the doctor at the local

Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw

Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're

really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,'

Morris replied.

To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got

a heart murmur, be careful!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream

parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a

stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress

asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde "Those are my emergency flashers!"

A Blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of
all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived
as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that
blondes are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she
is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,
she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a
fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is O K.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and
she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why sh e has a ski jacket over her fur
coat.
*
*She replies that she was reading the directions on the
paint can and it said....

**(scroll down)... I love this one.......... *

* *
**













;



* *FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

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Okayyyyyyyyyy here we go.......
check for new posts.........

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of
10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking
and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after
about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself
another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have
to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good
but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE,
I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate He soon found a very sexy loon and
brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon
would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to
spoon!'

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he
found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This
time the sex was great, but all the duck Would say was.....




No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!
... Don't be SO disgusting. !
The duck said,
'I am a DRAKE , you've made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned
'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to
Look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
Over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

A man walks in a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank! But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

"Did you see me Rob this Bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...... SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds ... "No, ....... But My Wife Did

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there 's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!!
Exercise 1. Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut, and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2; Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3; Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again.

Congratulations!

Now you nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram.

And just a thought for all you women out there............................................. ..........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause;
Ever notice how all of women's problems begin with men? And when we have real problems it's HISterectomy!!

P.S Don't forget the GUYnecologist!!

"Gaining a little weight are
we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little
gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the
priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some more weight are
we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little
gas," she replied again.


A couple of months later the
priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He
leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little
fart."

Forgive me for this one... I just couldn’t help myself!



This is too funny:)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...




(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

whoa that is a lot.
I'll have to read them all tomorrow. But thanks so much valerie!