Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.



So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

My wife's gonna kill me...
Steve and Larry are getting ready to leave work. Steve says to Larry, "Hey, let's go get a beer."

Larry begs off, "No, my wife will kill me. Last time I was out with you I got really drunk and stayed out all night."

Steve assures him, "One beer, okay maybe two, and I'll be sure and get you home before the street lights go off."

It's one in the morning. On the cab ride back, Larry's really drunk again and pukes all over his suit jacket and says, "Dude, my wife is gonna kill me!"

Steve thinks for a second. He pulls twenty out of his wallet, folds it neatly and slips it in Larry's jacket pocket. He says, "Now, tell your wife that Todd just heard his wife is leaving him and you just wanted to help him get through this tough time. You stayed too long and you're sorry. Todd got really drunk and hurled on you, but gave you that twenty bucks for the dry cleaning."

The cab rolls to a stop in front of Larry's house. He stumbles through the door and sees his wife is sitting in the living room, fuming.

Larry tells the story, and his wife starts to calm down. She tells him to go into the bathroom and get out of that nasty suit.

Larry's in the bathroom for a while and yells out to his wife, "Honey, I don't think twenty bucks is gonna be enough. Looks like Todd shit my pants, too."



.

Letter home from FARM KID in the Marines (Currently at San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.. The Captain is like the school board.. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake ... I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio, forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Manor nursing home.. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a lonely old lady
.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping
.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful, and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.
She asked if she could listen to my radio...and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.


Sincerely, Agnes Baker

LMAO!

My dad sent me these PUNNIES and One-Liners

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington is obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because, to a tennis player, love means nothing.

Where in the world did you get all these? lol

I got them in a Dad email. LOL