Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap and Santa asks, "What would you like me to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G. I. Joe doll." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," the little girl replies, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Doctors Never Laugh*

..the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than
the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then
fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at

the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,

and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,

it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must

tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering

an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to

pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It sure is

good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance

exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.


Life was a big enough test

as it was."


St. Peter continued, "Yes, I

know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions

over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and

says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

tell me your answers"


Forrest replied, "Well, the

first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."


The Saint ' s eyes opened wide and

he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit

for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.


"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about

that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."


Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?

Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven ' s name could you come up with twelve seconds

in a year?"


Forrest replied, "Shucks, there ' s

got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "


"Hold it," interrupts St.

Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,

though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give

you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?


"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."


"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated

and frustrated St Peter.


"Ok, I can understand how you

came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the

world did you come up with the name Andy as the first "name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest

one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY

WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: "Run Forrest, run."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

This is SO gonna be me in a couple of years!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'





The little boy nodded in the affirmative.





'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'





The little boy nodded yes.





'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'





The little boy nodded again.





He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach

'a dumb ass' is it?'





Again, the little boy nodded.





'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

WHAT IS IT USED FOR

At school little Johnny learns about medicines.

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of

medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Tylenol?

Very good! And what is it used for?

It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Nytol

Excellent. And what it is used for?

To help you sleep

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra

'Johnny. What is it used for?'

I think it can be used for diarrhea.

Who told you this? 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father

'take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder'.

MORNING COMUTE

This morning on the Interstate
I looked over to my left
and there was a woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her Face up
Next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner
I looked away for a couple seconds
And when I looked back
She was halfway over in my lane
Still working on that makeup
As a man I don't scare easily
But she scared me so much
I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
Out of my other hand
In all the confusion
Of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel
It knocked my cell phone
Away from my ear
Which fell into the coffee
Between my legs
Splashed and burned
Big Jim and the Twins
Ruined the darn phone
Soaked my trousers
And disconnected an
Important call
Stupid women drivers!

Too funny Valerie! My hubby has all of the listed items in his car every morning. Well, maybe not the donut, but if we had a donut shop nearby, he sure would!

This was told to me by my cousin as he was cutting my hair.

Men are born with built in bi-focals. When they look straight ahead everything is normal, when they look down, everything is magnified.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for MissAmerica ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

If you ain't laffin'..
You ain't livin'!

I leave you with a thought on "Inner Peace":I am passing this on to you
because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in
our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I
have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started: So I looked around
my house to see things I'd started and hadn'tfinished and, before leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka,a pockage of Prunglies ,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an
a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to
dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece .

Got this from a friend yesterday:

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......


she called me to get my phone number.

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said


"concentrate."

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tried to drown a fish.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

she studied for a blood test.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Oh, no, I-I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a
few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping
his hands together at his groin. This could be a major law
suit in the
making.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his
pants and put her hands inside -- this was serious, no time
for discretion,
she had to apply her medical skills immediately.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments
and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my
thumb's broken.'

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.

Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.
'Tripod?'

Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.

Mrs. Smith fainted

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.



'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:




'Is that one word or two?'

Thanks Valerie!!!

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out in the back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle and threw it FAR into the hay field.

Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that old rusty saw, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Naw, I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.

Good one Dee- you just described me if he ever strays.....

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'


The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became very good friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken..'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chic ken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!


She said 'Oh, my gosh." she screamed, "it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!