Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told
her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It
reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was
it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted.........

The Indian With One Testicle




There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that


name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.




After years and years of torment, Onestone finally


cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone


again I will kill them!'




The word got around and nobody called


him that any more.




Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird


forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He


jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into


the forest where he made love to her all day and


all night. He made love to her all the next day,


until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.




The word got around that Onestone meant what


he promised he would do. Years went by and no


one dared call him by his given name until A woman


named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being


away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was


overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him


and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'




Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,




then he made love to her all day, made love to her all


night, made love to her all the next day, made love to


her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone !!!

I guess these dirty jokes are mild enough for this forum.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Cajun Math Test


A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees.


'What's this?' the boss asks


'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ; 'Ere you go.'



The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'



'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'



The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'



The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'



'So, when I start

LMAO,
How's that baby girl Valerie?

tara wrote:LMAO,
How's that baby girl Valerie?

Oh my..........She is Grammy's little girl.
I can't get enough of her.
It feels like Heaven when she is in my arms.
She is doing very well, thanks for asking.
She is gaining a little weight and is becoming more alert everyday.
She fights going to sleep during the day so I told my daughter that the longer she is awake, the longer she sleeps at night.

I just love her so much!

Aww!

valerie wrote:

tara wrote:LMAO,
How's that baby girl Valerie?

Oh my..........She is Grammy's little girl.
I can't get enough of her.
It feels like Heaven when she is in my arms.
She is doing very well, thanks for asking.
She is gaining a little weight and is becoming more alert everyday.
She fights going to sleep during the day so I told my daughter that the longer she is awake, the longer she sleeps at night.

I just love her so much!

I don't know, I have one that just doesn't sleep, not at night not during the day....LOL I'm glad she is doing well, you'll have to share some pictures again soon, they change so quickly when they are that little. Enjoy her all you can!

tara, I sent you some pics. Hopefully you are able to post them for me.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Advice from Newfoundland

A tourist approached a local person in Cox's Cove, a village he was visiting in Western Newfoundland and asked:


"What's the quickest way to Deer Lake?"

The local scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving" said the stranger.

The villager said "That's the quickest way!"

On my 65th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate
paid for a visit to a witch doctor living on a nearby reservation who was
rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
witch doctor, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically
produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned,
'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a
teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become
more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as
you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the
medicine from working? 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he
responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon. '

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful
of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she
came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing
off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition .

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,

"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time
you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade......"

Oh, that one is GOOD!

LOL, these are great.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The
judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
Stick Did the Trick,' I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident' ... I just lost
it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

valerie.... I love you, lol.

Bobbitt Family Update



In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ?







A Misdewiener! ?

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge,
So he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while
she was waiting for Walt,
(the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked..."How much for
that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs
$300."


My goodness that sure is a lot she exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had
sent her to buy,
And Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back
room Walt yelled,
"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns
green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red
mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Dumb ass.

LOL! Priceless!

LOL @ the mood ring!