Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

ROFL!!!!!

Those are SO funny. I loved the hairspray one!!

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot,
Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that
faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had
sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for
that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.


* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms.


He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.


He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.


* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door.


"Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.


* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.


* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious.



* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father is a pharmacist."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude the
hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations..'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and
watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred
pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Centre!

Only The Irish

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: 'Paddy, will you draw your

bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future ?.'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because' said Mick' All the street was laughing when they saw you

making love yesterday'

Mick said.'Silly buggers - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!

Thinking no one is home, a robber breaks into a house, only to find the frightened owners in bed, watching TV. " What's your name?" he says menacingly to the wife as he points his gun. "E-E-Elizabeth," she says. "This is your lucky day." he says. "I can't shoot anyone named Elizabeth because that was my dear mother's name." He turns to the husband. "What's your name?" "It's Harry, but everyone calls me Elizabeth."

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


.........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

Ahahahhahhahhahhhha!!!
I love it!

Oh that one is precious!

I agree that was a great one

Under attack! WARNING!!


THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately !

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

The Madam In Winnipeg


The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified,
well-d ressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he
replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
left.

The next ni ght, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still
$5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A bright, young maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked, 'Oh really why do you want a pay increase?'

Maid: 'Well mam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maid: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maid: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maid: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maid: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maid: 'No m'am, the gardener did.' .........

SHE GOT THE RAISE

Best Menopause Question Ever

Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....


1. Men are like Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

*Haircut ID*

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

After Sex

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend and after having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis.......

something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Black Panties


Mabel had lost her husband almost four years ago and was becoming quite the
recluse.

Her daughter was constantly calling and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Mabel said she wouldn't mind going out, but didn't know
anyone.

A few days later her daughter told her", "Mom I have someone for you
to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They really took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

She happily, if not cautiously, accepted.

The first night there she undressed, as did he.

There she stood nude,except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his
birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same
she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit

But now he was wearing a black co*dom.

She looked at him and asked: What's with the black cond*m?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

ROFL!! that was great!

Confucius Say:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
One prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
Get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
Get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
Feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
Wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
Go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
Get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong.
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
Soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
Get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
But one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
Bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
Is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
Should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
Often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
Sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
To midget.