Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

I have some wood outback that needs to be split. I would really like my shed emptied too...... I'm getting ideas, lol

A woman went into a bar in Newfoundland and saw a Mountie with
his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.

The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you
come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted
to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said,
Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. nobody ever paid me for my services before."

She told him, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots that fit."

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"


You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.


A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

Tom had been in the law enforcement business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'.'

'Not a problem,' says Tom. 'After 25 years of being a cop, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.'
'By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the Chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many
feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

Little Johnny's at it again.... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'




* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,


'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Please scroll down.)

















What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes!

HILLBILLY LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TEL L YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."

After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"

UPdate on Cinderella


Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Two Woodpeckers..........




A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Medical Diagnosis



Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has
Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we
learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him:
'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you
two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought....... But you are wrong.'

Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought........ But you are wrong.

So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said: 'I thought it was GAS.......... But I was wrong!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive,double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He said that the windows had
been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.


Helllooooo? Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I
am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves. 'Helllooooo?' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'


There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a Newfoundlander anymore.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if
I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?

'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through
the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', 'not everybody pays'.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !



Guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said,

'You have the crabs'.

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said,

'You probably have the crabs'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.

She said,

'Doctor can you help me?

I have an itch in my crotch.

Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'

The doctor said,

Jump on the table and let's have a look.'

'After examining, the doctor proclaimed,

'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs.

This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'

valerie wrote:One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !



Guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

Of course if mine ever were to mention the size of my ass or tell me I needed slimfast he would no longer be breathing, no need to wear his underwear

Catholics v Cumberland Presbyterians
This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a southern town, between the Catholic church and a (fundamentalist) Presbyterian church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.
The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously