Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's
Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he
did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and
the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!

Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a
huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and
a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, Darling!

Love,
Jillian'


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Joe asks:

'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got
that black eye when you ran into the door.'


'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything
in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm
married!'


Broken Coffee Table
$239.99

Hot Breakfast
$4.20


Two Aspirin
$.38


Saying the right thing, at the right
time.............................................priceless!!

MY TRIP TO WAL-MART....

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog....What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's behind, and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Putting Your Affairs In Order


A woman went to her doctor.



The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.

You have inoperable cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.



'Well, Daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate

when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's

head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber There were some

laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the

woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'





That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order......

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,
'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, 'Do you know what it is?'

'No, I don't,' said the little boy.


'Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.'

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, 'Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have

you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on
and
on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went

and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom

door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked,
drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

A business owner was having a hard time. He'd been going over and over the books and realized that he was going to have to let one of his employees go. He was so upset because the two people who worked for him were good friends. They had worked there several years and always been loyal employees. But the numbers didn't lie. He just couldn't afford to pay both of them anymore.

Now, he had to come up with a way to decide who would lose their job. He could lay off Sally, who ran the office, did the books, and assisted customers. Or he could lay off Jack, who ran the machinery and did all the repairs. Both employees were needed. Both were hard workers. And both were family friends. He just couldn't decide. Finally, he dedided that since they were equally good employees and equally valuable, he would let some random factor make the decision for him. Whoever used the water fountain next would be the one to lose their job.

So he waited on pins and needles to see which of his friends he would have to let go, and sure enough, just before lunch Sally came out and asked him if he had any aspirin. Heartbroken, knowing what was about to happen, he gave her two aspirin and watched her walk over to the water fountain for a drink.

When she came back to her desk, he walked into her office to break the bad news. "Sally, I've been thinking about this all morning," he told her, "but I realized last night that I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"Well," she interrupted, "I think you're just gonna have to jack off. I have a headache."

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.


The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.


When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!


'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will beforgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his

eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some

cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my

husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,

'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill

your husband. That's against the law!"

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in

jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture

of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me

you had a prescription.'

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

Giving Birth at 65

With all the new technology in fertility recently, a
65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she
was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to
visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for
a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new
baby now?"

"No, not yet," she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I
see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the
baby?"

"When he cries," she told me.

"When he CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he
CRIES?"

"Because I forgot where I put him, OK?!"

LMAO

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your
Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

A man walks into the doctor's office and tells him he needa a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.

"The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects." On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

A first-grade
teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your
problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for
the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer
office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give
the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is
3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6
x 6?' Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks
and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd
grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms .
Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask
such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms.
Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C,
ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin,
whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The
principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms.
Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry:
'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms.
Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh
of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

LMAO

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'




On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down!!!!!!!!

The Harley-Davidson Facts


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

PENNY & LORRAINE


Penny and Lorraine are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. Penny pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts It over her cigarette, and continues smoking.*

Lorraine: What in the hell is that?

Penny: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lorraine: Where did you get it?

Penny: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lorraine hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."


The pharmacist fainted.*

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside Them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Newfies know how to get'er done)

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price --

the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (I'm no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The hus band says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.



Closed coffin.

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happene d to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The moth er was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

'You're doing ok. Only two left.'




Seniors - God bless them - don't mess with them.