vent!!

Grr..I dunno..I guess I have a major problem with always being the one to compromise and give up something so others can have what they want. Its like pulling teeth to get hubby to do anything on the weekends because he is so wiped out mentally from the work week that he needs time to veg. This I do understand because I know how hard he works... What gets me is that SIL can ask can he take a weekend a couple weeks from now and help her and her hubby move into their new house? (mind you her house is 6 hours away) I can't even get him to take time to go for a ride one town over, nevermind plan how we are ever going to move from here someday, but SIL just asks and I am supposed to gracefully bow out and help? I wouldn't want her carrying even my toilet paper if I moved...so why should I help her? Why should I sacrifice time with my husband that I don't get from him, for her to have him help so she gets her way...I'm telling you, I either need counseling to let go of this SIL issue or him and I are going to butt heads everytime. He sees me as the reasonable one, that's one of the reasons he loves me (so he says) but I am getting to the point that I just can't let it go anymore. I told him that if he wanted to he could go but that I am not going.

If I could not get DH to do anything, and he pulled that crap, I would change the locks while he was gone.

It's time to put your foot down. If he agreed to do something for SIL 3 weekends from now, he'd better be doing things for you on the two weekends in between. And if he doesn't get done with his stuff for (or with) you, then he can call his sis and let her know that he won't be able to make it.

I have learned (the hard way) that people will go as far as you let them. That even people will love will go as far as you let them. And if you let them treat you like shit, they will. They will only recognize that their treatment of you is bad if and when you tell them and don't back down. And the crappy thing is that even wonderful people do this. It's human nature. Like the life cereal commercial~~let's get Mikey to try it!~~ they don't see it as mean spirited or abusive if Mikey is smiling and saying OK, just this once. Even if they're feeding him a bowl of dog shit, they won't see it as abusive UNTIL he gets pissed and takes a stand.

I don't think your husband would knowingly treat you like crap. But he will never consider whether or not what he's doing IS treating you like crap if you don't tell him (LOUDLY) that he's treating you like crap.

If I was like them he never would have married me. So I just don't feel right about being nasty.. I don't like to be mean anyway, but apparently I am not getting anywhere being me... I must be PMSing or something... To be completely honest, I know part of the problem is jealousy (mine). My past relationships (actually most of my life) I have always been the person who sat back and let everything go and never raised a fuss. I have never been one to demand anything or ask for anything. So I have a hard time with the fact that SIL can just snap her fingers and it's done, while I silently stand by all this time hoping that a time will come when someone thinks about what I might want. I know it's selfish, that's why it's a rant..I agree Karen that the only way he will know is for me to tell him, and I know he doesn't purposely do this. I just don't want to be the whiner you know? He just sees it as his sis is being a PITA so he will do whatever to shut her up. He applauds me constantly for being so easy-going, but another part that is my fault is that I don't tell him everytime that it does bother me..

You don't have to whine or fight or behave awfully to make a stand, Kelly. Just tell him the truth and don't back down on your position.

"I don't think it's right for you to spend a weekend helping your sister when you won't spend a weekend helping me. It's insulting to me. The fact that I treat you with respect and don't whine and complain while she does whine and complain is why you should be equally respectful of me."

Say that, or something like it, and ONLY that. And say it over and over in a calm tone until he realizes that something has changed and you are not going to back off and let it go.

Kelly, that's something I struggle with, too. Some people just don't have any trouble asking people to go above and beyond what they would probably do themselves, but I have always hated it. I hated asking my own mother to watch my kids. You should get some practice in, and ask them for something once in a while. The way it works in our family is that we all carry around a mental list of who did what for whom. For example, if DH helped his parents take their dock out in the fall and put the ice shanty out in the winter, I figure I shouldn't feel too bad about asking if they can watch my dog overnight so we can go to a Red Wings game.

If you are always thes giving your time and talents, try to make an effort to turn that around. It feels so much better helping someone when you know they'll help you out when you need it, too. Right now, t hink of a few things that you can ask for in trade. When you've helped her move and she says thanks, ask for something specific that you'd love if she'd help you with. It may be hard to think of something at first, but ask your hubby to help you think of something to barter. So you might say "No problem! You don't move every day, thank goodness. Maybe when you get a chance you can help us out by __________". If she's neat and tidy, ask her help in organizing closets or craft areas. If she knits, ask her if she would consider making you a ______." Get in the habit of asking as well as giving.

See, I am mean and ansty, and I would put my foot down the first time, there would not be a second time.
DH used to think that he could go and do as he pleased with his friends, while i stayed home/worked/went to school/raised kids. Um, NO, he came home one night from helping his buddy move/fix his car/whatever the heck it was, and the locks had been changed. I told him if he liked his friends/family/ whoever so much he could stay with them.....worked instantly.

well, hubby had sent an e-mail telling SIL that he didn't know if we would be able to help them move or not, we already have to take a trip to Portland in July because Wynonna has to have another colonoscopy for her GI Dr to see how things are healing. So she sent an e-mail back saying that they really needed the help and she would really like him to come down because it would cost them $400.00 for the mover. I told hubby that by the time we pay gas for our Chevy Avalanche to go 6 hours down to Portland and back, and pay for our meals that it would be atleast $200.00 and then the other SIL going down with her kids and hubby will cost about the same, so aren't we just absorbing SIL's costs? They had enough money to get a loan for a new house and they cant' spend $400. on someone to move their stuff, but they can ask us (who can't afford to move for another few years) to cover the cost by doing it ourselves? That's $200.00 we can spend on getting stuff done in the house so that we may be able to sell it someday and be able to move ourselves.. he agreed and sent her an e-mail letting her know we couldn't do it...he will probably get another guilt trip e-mail back, but it's settled...he took some money and paid for taking the first of many Microsoft Certification exams so that hopefully, he will either become more valuable at work with the certification, and/or it will be an asset if he wants to work elsewhere in the future..so he wouldn't have time to help her anyway, the 1st exam is on May 28th . He will be studying every night at the library after work and on the weekends at home, until he takes the test, so she can't guilt him into going, and it is something that will benefit us..

I'm glad he stood up to her. It's one thing to ask someone to help save you money if it costs them nothing. It's entirely different to expect them to take a loss for you. Doesn't she have friends where she lives who wouldn't have to pay for gas to get there to help?