My mom is driving me crazy.

My parents and my MIL all live in the same town. We frequently go over on weekends to see everyone, or at least Scott will take some or all of the kids over so that I can get a few things done around the house. (It's much easier to make progress without my little helpers.)

But lately, my mom has been making life a pain. First off, she wants to only see the older two kids (the teens) but not Zoe and Quinn who are 5 and 3. Well, that makes sense in a way since her house is not toddler-proofed. But sometimes it means that my MIL is left to watch the little ones with no help. She's not in good health and it's hard on her. So I view that as my mom taking advantage. Also, it means that Zoe gets her feelings hurt and that Zaven and Caly don't get to spend time with my MIL.

Second, my mom disappears with whoever comes over. She'll say that she'll have them back at 3, but will take them out shopping (no cell phone, no mention of which store) and not be back until 6. You can tell her that you need them back all you want, she won't do it. So if we have plans, need to leave town early, etc... then we have to just not let them go.

Third, they're teens. They don't WANT to hang out with her every free moment. They have social lives, afterschool activities, chores, etc. She gets her feelings hurt any time they say they can't come over. She says they come over to my MIL's so they must like MIL more. What she doesn't get is that MIL has internet, free long distance, PS3, etc. MIL invites their friends to come over too. They can hang out and do their thing at MIL's house but can't at my mom's house (which is filled with breakable stuff and classical music). Plus my MIL doesn't nag them about their grades, weight, etc. My mom is a type A personality and stresses them. She loves them, and they love her. But she's not easy to just hang out with.

Fourth, she calls me and complains to me about things not in my control. She says that on the weekends that the kids come to town and I don't, they never call to let her know they're in town. Ummm, how is that in my control. I'm NOT there. And they're teens. Old enough to take responsibility for it. Disorganized enough to not think of it. It's gonna happen. She also says that when she has them at her house people call them. Well, yeah. When you keep someone gone for hours after you promised to have them home, people will call. Duh. I'm not even the one who calls because I don't let them go over if I want to see them anytime soon. I know better. But Scott or my MIL will call to ask things like, "Zaven, do you remember where you put the diapers?" or "Are you going to be here for dinner?" Even if I could stop those calls (when I'm not even in the same town), I wouldn't. Those are reasonable.

Finally, she complains when I say they aren't coming to town because they need to stay home and clean house. Now my mom is a MAJOR clean freak. She would die if she saw what my house looks like on a daily basis. And she also bitches about how my car is never clean, how I should make the kids help out more, have chores, etc. But let me say that they're busy helping out more, having chores, etc. and that's why they can't come see her... and suddenly she's all put out. WTH? Does she really think it's unreasonable for me to ask them to clean their rooms or help out around the house?

Anyhow, she called this morning with more of the same and I'm realizing that I am just going to have to be super blunt and tell her she's driving me nuts. She is not taking any hints and she is sure that none of this is her fault. She doesn't get that she spends far more time with them than most grandparents spend with their teenaged grandchildren. I can not make them want to see her and I wouldn't if I could.

Good lord, you better sit and have a whiskey, beer, chocolate, ice cream...

Wow Karen, it sounds a lot like my mom. I hate the grandparent war and I hate being in the middle. I can not even fathom when they are teens and no longer enjoy such frequent visits.

My father becomes more of a baby the older he gets.He almost throws tantrums even.We laugh about it sometimes,but it's also a strain,stress on my sister and myself.I hope I don't get that way when I get old

agaphmou wrote:I hope I don't get that way when I get old

Me, too!

I have BTDT, with MIL, and frankly you have to put your foot down and tell her which way the bread is buttered. With MIL I finally said, You cannot only have Kristin over every weekend, you have to take both or none. She got mad, but she will get over it. MIL is also the queen of the dirty nasty house, but if mine is a bit out of sorts she will tell me...

I think blunt is the way to go, but I tend to be extremely blunt, and brutally honest and people sometimes get offended., at least that is what Dh tells me..

I am with you Karen, but replace the two older with the two younger- My older ones dont like her and get tired of her putting me down, plus she tries to tell ME how to raise my kids.

She swears everyone sees them more, when in reality they dont, and swears Im turning them against her. Oh and dont forget she will self medicate.

Since you like your mom, I dont know what to tell you. I agree, put your foot down, tell her how the cow ate the cabbage and let her deal with it.

For me it was easier, I told her I expected respect, she would abide my rules, stop acting like a spiteful selfish child, or not see my kids anymore.

I have had the most stressfree and enjoyable three months of my life.

Good for you, Chelle! I already told her she could take Zaven on one of the days of Thanksgiving break, but I'm thinking that the next time it comes up after that I am going to tell her that if she takes an older child, she also has to take one of the little ones. She'll be pissed, but she'll have to deal with it.

The funny thing is, before the younger two were born she only wanted Zaven. Caly has always been far easier to take care of than Zaven. But she was sure Caly would be too hard for her to handle. We had to put our foot down once Caly got old enough to have her feelings hurt. She still favors Zaven over Caly (time-wise) and both of them over Zoe and Quinn. Zoe is 5 now and getting easier to deal with every day. I can see not taking Quinn since he's a handful, but Zoe would be easy, especially with one of the older ones to help.

i don't do favoritism, that's why MIL never sees bayley, she prefers BIL;s kids, and that is fine with me....

I can't believe that people do not realize how playing favorites with kids hurts them. Come on, now. Sometimes I feel that adults are really re-living some hurt they suffered when they were kids and felt left out. Instead of vowing never to do that to a kid, they do the opposite. I would not allow it.

It takes strength to stand up to emotional bullies but it can be done. Think of your kids, take a deep breath and say what you have to say. When people are being unreasonable, you do not have to take it.

But I did laugh out loud at the part where you said they are teens and don't want to hang out with grandma....

Well I just got off the phone with my mom. She'd called about seeing me, not the kids, but I took the opportunity to talk to her some about it. I said that Part of the reason that people called was because she was not good about getting them home on time so people called to see when they would be home, if they would be eating with her, etc. And I told her that part of the problem was that my MIL spent more time with the kids because she would take all four and that I thought that if she (my mom) would take Zoe when she took one of the older ones then it would make things easier on everyone because it didn't leave my MIL or the other sibling always babysitting. I said that Zoe wanted to go and was jealous, and that she had calmed down a lot from how crazy she always used to be.

I did say that I would have a serious talk to the kids about being inconsiderate and not even telling her they were in town. She is right that it's hurtful. They SHOULD take responsibility for that.

Finally I told her that if she could see my house she'd ground the kids for a month because of how dirty it was so she had to accept that I was going to keep them home to clean sometimes.

She took it well and agreed to take Zoe with her when she took one of the older ones. She didn't say anything about getting them back on time, but at least it's progress.

It's a good start, good for you.

Just a quick update:

Over the holiday weekend, Zaven did spend a day with my mom. And the next day, she took Zoe for several hours. Zoe is five, they see each other frequently, and she has never taken her alone before. In my mom's defense, Zoe went through a year and a half where she was totally out of control crazy. But taking her for hours is huge.

On the negative side she tried to tell Zaven that what she wanted for Christmas was for him to commit to five future visits. I told him not to. Not that five visits over the next year is too much. In reality he sees her at least three times that much. It's rare for them to go a month without doing something together. But what will be a problem is that either he will do it all in a short period of time which will mean that later she won't be able to resist saying how long it's been since he came to visit, how he used to like to visit and doesn't anymore, etc. or he will spread out the visits which will mean that she'll call every week giving him a hard time because he hasn't fulfilled his promise. Since part of the reason he doesn't like to visit anymore is all the drama that goes along with it, I can't imagine how the increase in drama would help the relationship.

Well it's progress, for Zoe anyway. I'm glad she got some one on one time.

I agree, and what he should do is give her a picture, in a frame that talks

What Grama is doing is so wrong.... Zevan should not be placed in the position, or bribed to say yes !