I swear..one more thing this week and I am going to take up drinking as a hobby

So I just got an e-mail from SIL, the one who lives downstate. She has taken it upon herself to purchase Christmas gifts for the adults this year, even though when she asked the rest of us whether or not we wanted to do the adults we said no. She said that she feels guilty buying for her husbands family but not her own. I e-mailed hubby and told him that it hasn't bothered her for the last few years that she hasn't bought me a birthday present (coincidentally which started the year when she found out we were getting married and didn't want us to) even though we get her a present every year. So why should it bother her so bad to get me something for x-mas? I don't want anything from her. I hate the ceremony of opening whatever they got me and them waiting for my reaction and then worrying and wondering if what I got them will be good enough. The stress and dread of that situation are what ruins my Christmas. I told hubby that I am now dreading going to SIL's in town when the other SIL comes up for xmas. I don't want to be there. I most especially don't want what she got me. I asked hubby if she would be offended if I told her to give what she had purchased me to their other sister who is living in another state. He hasn't replied yet, but I know he won't think it's a good idea to say that. Just because she decided to do what she wanted to regardless of what we told her it snowballs. Because if we purchase for them, and hubby will because he won't let them give us something and not get them something in return. If we purchase for them, then I feel like why should I purchase for them and not my own siblings? Atleast my siblings are not rude, pushy, and demanding. But we can't afford to do that... Yet again his sisters complicate things...I know damn well it's because she likes to get presents, and figured if she got something for us we would get something for her. She even mentioned once before one year when we had talked about only buying for the kids and she said, "Well I like to get something too, even if it's not expensive!" I just think she is too damn spoiled. Maybe I should buy her a crown and sceptre, or a big knife to stab me in the back with... Grr I really need to start recreational drinking..

I would be pissed, too, and the fact that she informed you ahead of time that she bought gifts for you makes me think that she's done it to get a gift herself. If the joy was in the giving for her, and you had already agreed not to buy for each other, she could have given you something at Christmas and commented that she saw it and thought of you and just had to buy it, blah blah blah.

If you haven't done anything yet, I'd politely ask her to return whatever she bought because you had already agreed not to buy stuff this year. Tell her if she wants to discuss it next year you can always do that. GRRR I'd be steaming.

Kelly, when you talk to your husband, remind him how expensive the cakes were and that you gave your nephews presents as well as the cakes. Tell him that at first you thought she was just screwing up your plans, but now you think maybe she wants to repay you for all that expense and effort. It would be rude to continually one-up her by always being the one to buy her family the nicer gifts, the fancy cakes, etc. So while it would be OK with you if he wanted to get her a little something in return, you really think that just a simple $5 gift (like a nice mug and a packet of hot chocolate) really would be more appropriate than something fancy. And then go shopping for the ugliest mug you can find.

But really, if it were me I just wouldn't buy her anything at all.

You have no idea how many e-mails I have started and have had to delete before sending. I just know that whatever I say and however I word it that she will be offended and it will start a fight. I get aggravated because I tell hubby and he always sugar coats it and only says half of what he should to them and they never get the hint. He has gotten better about mentioning stuff but not quite forceful enough. So what will end up happening is that I will not end up sending the e-mail because it will just tick her off, he will go get presents for both SILS and BILS, I will secretly be pissed and fuming because why should my siblings go without and a$$holes get gifts? And I will be dreading going weeks before it's even time, which ruins the whole spirit of the holiday..If I said anything she would say that I am the one ruining it my making a big deal out of it. But I say she is ruining it because they always have to meddle, change things to their liking, etc. They are not considerate to anyone elses wishes at all...they bulldozer over everyone and we are just supposed to accept it. Either way, I am stuck. If he says something to them it will make it awkward, if he doesn't say anything to them then they will be getting away with it again.. I would love to get some nasty smelling stinky soap or perfume and give it to them, or some corny thing, but I just can't... I don't know how to address the issue, get the point across without pissing anyone off or making things awkward.

I would just politely remind her that the adults agreed NO gifts, and that she should return the gift she got, because there will be NO gifts in return. Add in some fluff about the spirit of Christmas, and it isn't about the gifts yada yada....

Thats what i would do.

Kelly, you're in luck. I still have my copy of The Bloody Countess - Atrocities of Erzsebet Bathory. Say the word and I'll send it so you can have that unique gift - historical, too! - to give to her.

Just kidding. I would find a way to foil her plan so she doesn't get her way. What about an email that just says "____, we agreed not to exchange gifts this year, so I'm sorry but I can't possibly accept a gift from you. Maybe next year we can discuss it again, but it's out of the question for this year. If you aren't able to return the gifts maybe they would be something that could be saved for next year" Then add a friendly something about the subject of your choice.

Kelly, take a deep breath. You have a couple of days before you even need to send the email and that's plenty of time to come up with an appropriate response.
Here's one of the things I thought you could say:

"How wonderful that you're feeling so generous this Christmas! I can't tell you how much it means to me that you want to make my Christmas even more special. But this year, we are trying so hard to think of the many unfortunate people who have lost their jobs and homes. Maybe you could make a donation to a local homeless shelter in my name. In fact, wouldn't it be wonderful if we all did that? I am going to write a check to our local shelter in your name today! It will be our Christmas present to you!" (Follow up on this by writing a $20 check in the names of ALL the in-laws and then printing them certificates saying a donation has been made in SIL's name, SIL's name, BIL's name, etc. You don't have to say how much the donation was and you can giftwrap the certificates and present them to them at the get-together.)

Lori wrote:Kelly, you're in luck. I still have my copy of The Bloody Countess - Atrocities of Erzsebet Bathory. Say the word and I'll send it so you can have that unique gift - historical, too! - to give to her.

Just kidding. I would find a way to foil her plan so she doesn't get her way. What about an email that just says "____, we agreed not to exchange gifts this year, so I'm sorry but I can't possibly accept a gift from you. Maybe next year we can discuss it again, but it's out of the question for this year. If you aren't able to return the gifts maybe they would be something that could be saved for next year" Then add a friendly something about the subject of your choice.

OMG! That would be perfect! It would almost be worth all the stress just to see her open it up.

Thats a good one.

What about that Frog where you plant a tree for soomeone for a dollar?

Oh, yes! It's a good cause, but the SIL gets NOTHING. And really, she can't even complain because she would look so greedy and petty.

edbson wrote:

What about that Frog where you plant a tree for soomeone for a dollar?

Hahahaha, you could use a wombat (dingbat) to plant a tree in her name.

Seriously, I like the local charity gift better though, because it would make her sound so petty if she found something to nitpik about that. And then you could still accept her gift in good conscience if she still insisted. Actually, if I were her I might consider the fact that you could in fact make a very small donation in her name, while she may have spent considerably more on your gift. That might make her greedy self decide to make the returns rather than be on the losing end of the bargain. LOL You could say

"I am uncomfortable exchanging adut gifts this year because we feel so blessed when so many people are struggling with the bad economy and without jobs.

If you insist on exchanging, I will make an umbrella gift in everyone's name to __insert a deserving shelter or charity here__."

You should let us help you format your response before you send it, Kelly. LOL

The funny thing is that unless she has found something she was downsized from her job and doesn't have a job anymore on the 15th of this month! They are better off than we are because they have only ever had to spend money on themselves, until 2 years ago when they had their son. But still, it seems kind of odd to purchase gifts when that wasn't the plan, especially when in 10 days or so you no longer have a job.

On the other hand, drinking is not a bad hobby, as long as it is temporary. I have been guzzling Merlot like a Wino since the storm.

edbson wrote:On the other hand, drinking is not a bad hobby, as long as it is temporary. I have been guzzling Merlot like a Wino since the storm.

I too, have taken up red wine. I feel it's been a rough year and it's better than the pills

I agree. Do the charity thing. Seriously.

AND, this year, since they are so bound and determined to do this crap. YOU need to suggest that next year yall will draw names. and thats the ONLY gift to give. PERIOD. and draw the names RIGHT THEN>

I have actually taken up winecoolers.. and the sad thing is, I have ONE in the fridge.. I might break into BR's beer.. He cant have it anyway. It will make him REALLY exceed the 1800 calories a day he is allowed..

But tongiht I am gona need something.. BR sold back his vacation so I could catch up on bills and buy Christmas. Plus, I would have a little in the bank. Now he has a staph infection in his sinus' and is in so much pain he has to take pain pills and cant work.. LOL Plus,, him going to the DR twice (an hour away), and getting 2 scripts, and 2 steriod shots, . Last time I had a thousand dollars saved up (took months to do it) he was off work for weeks cause of the 'cannes... I am going to stop saving money. and stay a month behind on every bill.. the last few months thats what I did and he worked the whole time pretty much, only taking off when he wanted to. LOL

Chelle, I'm so sorry. I know how nervous I get when money gets tight. Even when you know that in the long run you'll be fine, it makes the short term very, very stressful. Have you been able to stockpile many gifts?

I think Karen's idea is the very best. It is positive and speaks a lot to a lot of issues. What a gift for words and compassion!

Aww! You're so sweet, Pearly! Thanks!

I typed an e-mail of what I would have liked to say to her and sent it to my husband! lol
I told him that the e-mail i sent him is exactly what I would have liked to tell her, but that regardless of whatever he decided to do that under no circumstances are we to give or recieve gifts between adults next year. I told him that he could tell her that if she wants to recieve gifts that badly then her and other SIL can exchange gifts with each other and my feelings won't be hurt one bit by not getting anything. I just want to slap her in the face with a brick you know? It's extremely difficult to look someone in the face and graciously accept a gift from them when in the past they have pretty much voiced that they don't like you and have insulted you. It's like swallowing a mouth full of glass.
I told him that if he didn't make it clear to them that they once again complicated and changed something to their liking, and that they are not to go ahead and purchase anything for us next year, if they do then he can go over by himself.

Kellly, I am so sorry that this is making you feel so bad. I wish I could help. I really do. I know your SIL's have treated you like shit. But I want you to know that I can't imagine how they could be more wrong about someone. You are a wonderful person.

Maybe THIS year is the year to just blow off the visit. There is no reason your husband can't go without you, and he could even take the kids so you'd have a day or two to yourself. THere are all kinds of things that Scott goes to that I simply sit out on every year. I don't go to visit certain relatives or long time friends because I don't enjoy it. He goes without me and takes whichever kids want to go (usually all of them because he goes with his mom and she wants to show of her grandbabies and they get extra presents and candy). I stay home, watch sci-fi movies til the wee hours, eat pumpkin pie, and have a great time. Or I go visit one of MY friends, where I know I'll have way much more fun. I don't know what he tells the family/friends/etc. I don't care. But he's satisfied and so am I. Everyone else can just get over it. Just remember that this is your holiday as much as it is anyone else's. Enjoy it, and don't let anyone take that enjoyment from you.

Or just fake a miagraine.. or cramps, or puking.. or diareah..

answer the phone with fake dry heaves.. they will BEG you to stay home

lol you guys are too damn funny.. I think they just don't like me so much because I am not like them. It doesn't bother me if people know my age, or know that I color my hair, I refuse to turn my life inside out to make everyone think that my life is like "Leave it to Beaver "when its really more like "Dennis the Menace" It is the way it is. But those are the things that are important to them. It bothers them that I don't go to the hairdresser and get my hair done in the latest styles, and it really bothers them that I don't wear the latest styles. First of all I am not teeny, so it's hard to find stylish clothes in my size, second of all I am not a teenager and don't feel comfortable dressing like one. The top reason is that it bothers them that I am not a very social person, and that I don't need people to function. They have a hard time without socializing because they need to be fawned over and paid attention to. I could care less.
They were hoping that Kris would find someone more like them, but the funny thing is that he would never pick someone like them because most of the time he can't stand them, him and I are a lot alike anyway. We're friendly, funny if you get to know us, but we are introverts for the most part. I do well talking to strangers or whatnot, but I just don't seek out occasions because I need that entertainment, I would be just as happy with a good book. I don't fault people that are very social, I just don't like to be faulted because I am not.

Kelly, you sound a lot like me. I am not as social or LOUD as DH's family. It really gets to his mom because she needs to be talking ALL the time. I'm too quiet and it makes her nervous, I think. I swear, I thinks she talks to herself when she's alone. I enjoy being alone and I'm nervous around other people. It's only gotten worse as I've gotten older, and I really should be on medication for the social anxiety, but I'm not. They can just deal with me, because I have to deal with them. And yes, DH chose me, not someone as outgoing as his family is. I believe we balance each other well.

Yay! I just got an e-mail from my husband, who e-mailed one of the SILS and this is what he said:

Sunny e-mailed and said she bought stuff for the adults anyway. I thought we had decided to just buy for the kids. It’s kind of last-minute to add 4 people to everyone’s list now. If we are going to buy for everyone, I can shave $200-$300 total off all of the kids’ presents next year, but I already bought their stuff. If we’re going to buy things where Item.Amount < 10, I guess that’s doable. But then we didn’t buy for most of Kelly’s family. We certainly don’t need anything, and I feel like a cheap bastard buying little stuff, and then I have to wonder if it’s good enough. It’s just not that much fun for adults. Christmas is really for the kids. But I guess Sunny has a very specific vision of how Christmas should be. (Remember when she insisted on Christmas music before anyone could open gifts a few years ago?) So what’s the plan for the future?


I have to applaud him for that, if you knew his sisters he will probably get flogged for this e-mail. The minute Rani reads this she will be e-mailing Sunny and they talk every Fri night on the phone anyway, so their lips will be flapping about us tonight.

It sounds like their lips would be flapping regardless. At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that you're first and foremost in their thoughts. LOL

Christmas IS for the kids. We used to draw names among the adults and don't even do that any more. It got to the point that people were asked to write a list of what the might like and people were being so specific that they may as well have just gone and bought it themselves.

People's lists would say something like: Gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, Gift certificate to Amazon, Flannel nightgown, blue, size L (page 258 J.C. Penney Catalog). There is no fun in that list.