Need some advice on the "death talk"

We found out yesterday that Ceilidh's BFF's mother (who also happens to be my SIL's SIL) is losing her battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed about 4 years ago and ended up having both breasts removed (it came back), then over the time, it kept coming back into the surrounding tissue. It got to the point where they just couldn't do anything anymore (had max amount of radiation, couldn't remove anymore tumors, etc...) and it has now spread to her brain. She is now in the hospital and I am assuming she will remain there now. She is being given one month max (I know that doesn't mean anything, she was given a time frame before and had beat it, but it wasn't in her brain before plus she was having treatments then). Her DD is 5 or 6 years old and is Best Friends with Ceilidh.

Ceilidh knows roughly what dying means and it doesn't seem to upset her, but it has been no one that she actually really knew (she met my Aunt several times before she died, but she was only 3 I think so didn't really know or understand). Now she is almost 5 and knows Cathy. She is always asking my SIL if she can go visit with Cathy and Olivia. I have no idea how I am going to explain this to her when the time comes. I know DH is going to want to protect her and not tell her, but we can't do that either. Ceilidh only ever sees Olivia (the DD) with Cathy so she will notice when Cathy is no longer around (man I hate even thinking of that). Any suggestions?? She already knows that Cathy's BooBoos (what they call breasts) were sick and removed and that she is still quite sick herself (I have the pink ribbon on my pogo mini, plus I have a few pink ribbons on things and she was wondering why I had them and what they were for). At Zach's last birthday party, Cathy was not allowed to be in the sun or get bitten by mosquitos (I live in the country and we have mosquitos), so Ceilidh was told again then that she was sick and had to be careful not to get bitten by keeping herself completely covered and also with sweaters draped over her for extra precautions (her DD wouldn't play outside unless her mother was with her).

I really have no idea what to tell her when the time comes. I'm afraid it will scare her about losing us since Olivia is basically her age and losing her mother. I wish I could protect her from this, but I really don't see how since she sees them quite often (not as often as we would like since the kids usually have germs and Cathy can't be around the germs). When my BFF's father died (just 2 weeks ago), Ceilidh asked "Did Shauna's Daddy dead last night?" and I told her the truth (we were not going to tell her since she didn't know him) and she was fine with that, but I think it might be different now because this is her friend who is her age. Hopefully I am over-thinking this, but I would rather be prepared just incase.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Also if you could keep this family in your thoughts it would be appreciated as well. Cathy is such an amazing woman and her DD is what kept her going and fighting for so long.

I don't have any advise..wish I did, but that is a tough one.
My brother's first wife died of cancer, she was 36 (we were the same age and graduated HS together). My niece was 6 at the time. My brother is a medic & my SIL was a RN/Medic. She wanted to stay home as much as possible, and they told my neice everything. They kept nothing from her of what was happening. My niece really did great, and it broke my heart that she was losing her mom at such a young age. She will be 17 this year, and my brother is remarried (we won't get into that one). I know this is a bit different from your situation, but what I am trying to get at, my niece did really well in dealing with it (actually she did way better than I did).

I am terribly sorry to hear about your friend.

OK, you have a few options here, and I have BTDT. My Mom died during Bayleys 6th bday party.

I would prepare her, tell her that Cathy's body has stopped working, and it is her time. YOu could explain cancer a bit, it spreads lke a rash inside, and sometimes it cannot be cured.
I WOULD take her to the hospital, and let her see her before she goes, closure and all that.

OR you could go into the religious aspects, and explain God and heaven, if that is your thing. Or you could kinda combine things, to suit your and her needs.

Here is what I did . ALl along I told me kids the truth, granny was sick, she had Cancer and needed Chemo. NO, she may never get well, but we can hope. Then when the time came I took them to see her( she had a week or so left), I explained to them that granny was very very sick, and would go to Heaven one day soon. The day after she passed I told Bayley that she was gone, and we would go to the funeral etc. I explained the funeral, and burial. Only tell her what she askes however, too much info is not necessarily a good thing, and kids , even at 5 know alot more than we think they know.

Most of all, The BFF will need you and your DD. try and help them maintain some sort of normal

I have nothing to add but wanted to say I will be thinking of the family, and yours of course.

Wow... tough situation. Last week my husband's grandmother died, and for the younger children we had to talk to them about death.

We of course, used our religion as a basis for why she died. But every religion believes in something different... some believe we have a spirit body that returns to God, some believe that when we die, that's it... nothing happens.

For us, and our religion, we believe that we have a spirit body, and when we die, our spirit body returns back to God. So, to demonstrate this to the children, we used a glove. We put the glove on our hand, and tell them that when it's time for us to die, our body (which is our hand in this lesson) goes in the ground, and our spirit body (which makes us who we are) returns to Heavenly Father (take the glove off). I think that sort of object lesson really made the kids understand a bit more.

When my SIL's mother died in Nov, (they were close to her), I told my kids that her body just finally gave out. and that God called her home.

Of course it helps that they have a strong belief in God with no questions.

We talk about my grandmother all the time, she died when the kids were 6, 5, and newborn. I take them to her grave to give her notes, talk to her and they talk to her picture here at home.

Mine did the crying thing, and Rayley only asked one question a few days later (she is 4) about Day-Day dying and never coming back.

I told her that yes, Dayday is gone, but is still in our hearts and can see us from heaven. Since we have lost dogs, and various other old folks that they know, they take it with a grain of salt now. They are not hardened, but they cry, then they realize there is somthing better to aspire to.

They will occasionally cry, missing my grandmother, or DayDay, or even our dog lighting. But I hug them, tell them that person still loves them, and will always be with them in their hearts.

I am sorry for all of y'alls loss. And I wish you luck.

OH, when they do start to cry, I try to get them to tell me stories that are funny that they remember about that person. OR I will tell them a funny story about them.

But there is very few days that go by that we dont somehow mention my grandmother.
like "do you want to learn to make grammy's biscuts? "
or BR will say "yes, your moms biscuts are good, but not near as good as grammies" LOL

Thanks everyone! DH said he wants to tell her that she went to live with God and leave it at that. I have a feeling she is going to ask more so I want to be prepared on. She knows what breast cancer is sort of (I explained it to her). I like the idea of telling her that her body stopped working. Dh's Aunt said to tell her that Cathy is sick. I want to try to stay away from the word "sick" because I don't want her to freak out when her and Zach get sick. I know DH won't agree to letting Ceilidh go to the hospital. When my father was planning on taking us to visit my Grandmother in the hospital he didn't want them to go (and she wasn't dying). That became a moot point because they ended up getting sick and couldn't go anyway.

We plan on bringing religion into it (she knows DH's Grandparents and 2 of my Grandparents are in heaven with God), but I have a feeling she is going to ask more questions because Cathy is young and Olivia is her age. She asked what happened to the dog in the book I was reading, and when I told her, she got upset saying she didn't want Swiper (our cat) to die to. Because of that conversation, I have a feeling it's going to upset her and worry her about me and DH. Hopefully I'm over thinking things and worrying over nothing.

Thanks again everyone!

I actually found out tonight that they are not going to stop treatment. She said she was not going to just give up. She was going to fight it. I'm hopeful that she will get a miracle and beat this (she did beat it before when they told her there was nothing else that could be done), but I'm also going to be realistic. I am so praying tho that the radiation and chemo work to shrink the tumors in the brain.

Dawn, I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I have said a prayer for her and her family and I will continue to pray for them. The only advice I would add to what everyone has already said is to have an explanation of what will happen to her BFF and what would happen to her and Zach if you and her dad were to die. It helped my kids tremendously to talk about what would happen to them if Scott and I were to die. I know it sounds morbid, but to tell them where they would live, who would take care of them... that made a difference. They also liked talking about how many different adults love them and would be there for them if Scott and I couldn't. It made them feel a bit safer and more secure to know that their Aunt and Uncle would be taking care of them, and if they couldn't then another Aunt and Uncle would, and if they couldn't.... It helped them realize that lots and lots of people loved them and that they would never just be orphans without a home.