kids, ugh!!

I think I was too optimistic too soon about Wynonna and Dan's progress. They moved out of their old apartment from the next town over into Dan's father/father's girlfriend's house in town. Dan's been able to work for his uncle hot topping, though it's only seasonal (you can't hot top in winter). Dan's father & father's girlfriend said that Wynonna and Dan wouldn't have to pay them rent or anything just as long as Dan gave them his paycheck to hold on to and put away to save enough for a second hand vehicle and to get into an apt in town. As far as we knew everything was great, they said they were saving money, everything was wonderful.

I found out this weekend that they didn't give notice they were moving out of their old apartment, they left half of their stuff in it, and they didn't turn in the keys. JR, my BIL (who also happens to work in the managment office of the apartment complex) called. He isn't supposed to discuss her stuff with me because of privacy issues, however he risked it to tell me that if she didn't get her stuff out and return the keys, that they will remove the stuff for her (to the dump) and charge her for it, replace the locks and charge her for that. He was just trying to give me a heads up because they really can't afford to owe anymore money. So I call her, she's trying to avoid the whole situation and has Dan and his family telling her that since they didn't recieve written notice to remove their stuff that legally management can't get rid of her stuff. She thinks by avoiding it that she can just get her stuff when she wants. I explained that whether she calls them or not that they will get rid of her stuff and she won't get it back or get compensated for it and on top of that will probably get summonsed to court and owe the $$ plus court costs. I told her that we are just trying to keep her from getting in a deeper hole that she can't crawl out of. She'll end up losing her stuff and getting summonsed and owe a ton of $$ and call and cry to me, when the whole thing was avoidable in the first place. She's also made things difficult for my BIL who works there, and avoids him even for family get togethers. Since they moved in the apartment and recieved complaints and late on rent, etc she's had to deal with him for unpleasant situations which were brought by her and Dan. I know she avoids him because she ultimately knows she's in the wrong, but she' won't admit it. She has Dan and his family making excuses and trying to validate every dumb thing they've done. Anyway she ended up hanging up the phone on me.

So, besides that situation, I also found out this weekend that Dan's father & father's girlfriend spent the money of Dan and Wynonnas that they were supposed to be holding on to because they are heavily in debt. So now the kids have no money saved and Dan's work is almost done for the year. I also found out that Dan's father's girlfriend has been using Wynonnas foodstamp card to buy groceries because she doesn't have the cash to buy any and is holding it over Wynonna's head that if she doesn't let her that she'll kick her and Dan out. I saw Wynonna the other day and it made me sick, she's almost anorexic and it's because the $200. she gets on foodstamps each month will not feed 4 people, not to mention that lady doesn't cook, so she'll buy all pre-prepared stuff which $200. might buy a weeks groceries if you shop that way. JJ's been over there to visit her often and he says the cupboards and fridge are always empty, but yet Dan's fathers' girlfriend always buys pizza friday night and have their own personal "beer fridge" upstairs. I sent some food with Wynonna so she would have something and told her to hide it in her room. I have never met so many f*ck@d up people in my life as I have Dan and his family.

We can't offer to take them in because I'd end up beating the crap out of Dan and Wynonna would never speak to me again. How can she not see how screwed up this whole situation is? When she was going out with the guy she was seeing before Dan, she was never like this. It's almost like she mirrors the attitude and the lifestyle of the person she's with. Matt (the guy she saw before Dan) was a good, positive, kid, and when she was with him she was happy, foolish, etc. Dan is selfish, conniving, and not completely innocent of wrong-doing(that's teh only nice way to put it)...and she has adopted that there's nothing wrong with all of that...nothing wrong with all the dumb shit they've done and nothing wrong with "the whole world hates me, is out to get me and f*ck the world" attitude....If she ends up homeless, hospitalized due to malnutrition, wacked out on drugs because it's the only way she can handle the depression from living this way..it's because of all of this mess...

Just found out that BIL tried but couldn't stall it, they sent someone over to change the locks, so they will be charged for that. He also said that his boss told them that tomorrow they will be getting the stuff that was left in the apt and won't give it back until they pay their bill in full. (To be honest, the stuff they left in there is worth less than what they owe, so I doubt they will be enticed to pay (which they don't have $$ for anyway) to get it back.

she sure does cause you a lot more headaches than necessary...

you warned her and tried to give her good advice to keep her and her boyfriend from getting into trouble with the apartment, but if she doesn't want to listen to you then well maybe talk to her about it one more time in person...maybe offer to take help her get the stuff and return the keys.

hopefully wynonna learns soon how wrong this guy is for her and all the trouble is not worth it... and that being a grown-up is a lot harder than she thought.

having them move into your place is a horrible idea...its only supporting what you don't support.

Oh Kelly! I'd hoped that since you weren't talking about them, things were getting better. It's bad enough that they're being immature and not taking responsibility but to think that his family is making things worse! I mean, I know that they're letting Wynonna and Dan stay with them. But if they needed rent money they SHOULD have said something up front, not taken the money without asking or pressured them into giving up their food stamps. They let those kids think that they would have money set aside for the off-season. What a horrible example they've set!

I do think you need to be very careful about what you do to help. They need to learn from this (which they won't if there aren't consequences) but you also need to make sure that she doesn't starve AND that she doesn't get drawn further away from you and more into that nest of vipers. I don't envy you the next few months. Good luck.

I think I would help her, but not him. I would let DD move back in, but the BF can't.

From the beginning, I've offered her that if she ever needs to come home that she's always welcome, but not him. She refuses to move in unless he comes with her, so that's why she's never moved back home. It would cause more problems and both Kris and I have talked about it and we both agree that we couldn 't deal with both of them living here because we would kick him out the minute he did one of his boneheaded things he's always doing, but that she could anytime if she wanted to by herself.

The only way she's going to get out of this mess is to realize that living the way she's living with him things are never going to improve, only get worse. I'm afraid it's going to take some time with her. She has such a big heart and thinks he'll change, that things will change. She doesn't want to be the one to give up on him. Sad thing is that I did the same thing with the kids father. I didn't do stupid stuff but he did and I would make excuses for him. I had to go through a lot of hell ( 7 years) before I figured out that I was tired of it and couldn't do it anymore and that he wasn't going to, and didn't want to change. I'm hoping it doesn't take her 7 years though.

Sure doesn't seem like either one of them should be allowed to be living on their own. Dumb and Dumber. Sorry, Kelly, it's just so unbelievably sad. I don't even understand why Wynona is allowed to drop out of school and receive food stamps. And if she's not working, what is she doing? Couldn't she shop and cook herself? At what point is she going to decide to take action to support herself? Forget the big heart, she sounds like a lost little sheep who is meekly following some random guy around. Handouts and free rent don't seem to be encouraging self-sufficiency or personal growth in any way, shape or form.

She has applied everywhere for work, but due to the fact she didn't finish school, she's not getting any calls on those applications. I told her at any time I would help her study to get a GED. She doesn't have a license or vehicle and Dan's fathers gf insists on taking her shopping and won't let Wynonna put anything in the cart. She's using the fact that shes' giving them a place to stay and holding it over their head. She is exactly as you describe, a meek little sheep just following him around. The problem is she has hardly any self esteem. They haven't taken advantage of the help they've gotten and used it to get themselves in a better situation. The only thing we offered them was if they wanted, that we would hold on to their money, and they know we wouldn't spend it. Dan could take out whatever he needed for the week and we would hold on to the rest. There wouldn't be any danger of us taking it . But that is all we offered. I told her if there wasn't anything there to eat that she is welcome to come here and have a meal anytime.

Seriously Kelly, it's time to cut the apron strings and let her deal with the "natural consequences" of her actions. It's TOUGH.. trust me I know.. but it has to be done. Giving her money and telling her to hide it doesn't help her. When she is HUNGRY and done with the guy and his family and ready to accept your help.. she will

Right now it's just a power struggle between you and her over Dan and it will stay that way until she is forced to accept the consequences behind her choices.. It sucks but it's just the way it is... KIDS! arggghhh

I didn't offer her money, I gave her a few cans of soup, and some ramen noodles that I had here to hide in her room. We aren't giving them any money and haven't been anything for them.
I'm not arguing with her about Dan because that just puts her defense up. All I've talked with her other than about today's predicament is that I would help her study for her GED if she signed up for it, encouraging her that she could do it and things of that nature. Not giving anything but encouragement.
I agree with everyone about not fixing their problems, and we haven't been. I was just coming on here to vent, not ask what to do. If you saw your child reduced to almost bones, I don't think you'd refuse a can of soup or a few ramen noodles. Especially when you have some that have been probably sitting in the cupboard with no one touching them.
At her age I didn't have the balls to stand up to my bf or his family, I let them walk all over me, I was timid, scared, and she's the same way. It took some time for me to grow some. I also know what it's like to go hungry, really hungry and wrong or not, I don't think a can of soup is enabling her. Paying her bills, fixing her messes, giving them a place to stay, that would be enabling her.

If she's hungry she needs to learn to not give her Food Stamps away.

True Lori, the stickler is that Michelle is holding the fact that she'll put them out of a place to live if Wynonna doesn't. It's frustrating because being the person I am now, and having been through what I have, I can see every mistake she is making. I can't say at her age that I saw the mistakes I was making and I made a lot. Wynonna is 19 and immature, the threat that they will be kicked out by Michelle is the major reason she's putting up with it. She already knows that we won't take them in. She's not going to have them much longer anyway because DHS is taking into account Dan's recent income on their upcoming review. She's not using the brain God and heredity from her mother's side gave her because she is so infatuated with fixing him. She's always had issues from the abuse from her father. She always needs to be with people that she feels "need" her. She also feels like she needs to "fix" people that she feels are the underdog. The difference is at her age as naive as she is and with her little bit of life's experience that she's had, that she can't tell the difference from an underdog or a dog's unders.
She wasn't the one who came to me to tell me about their problems with Dan's father and the gf, I found out about it and confronted her. I had also noticed the last few times I saw her how much weight she had lost. So she wasn't asking me for food. Despite these problems they have, she's known we got our tax return over $8,000. and hasn't asked for any money. We aren't going to offer any either.
Yes, she needs to grow up and grow some balls and say something. I would never let someone treat me that way the person I am now and not say anything, but I was so wishy washy like her at her age and let Jay and his mother treat me that way.
I was wrong then too for letting them treat me the way I did and wrong for doing things I knew I shouldn't to please them.
But I was glad for my mothers kindness once in a while if she took me out to lunch, or bought me a small thing or two because she noticed I needed it. Maybe mom was wrong for doing it. I didn't think I would be doing anything wrong by giving her the soup .. maybe I was wrong for doing it.
I get conflicting opinions from everyone, each person having a different right answer to how I should handle it. Some people say, be supportive of her, not of him. Some say don't do anything at all, don't give them rides or anything. Some say giving necessities are okay, provided I offer and am not asked, some say that's wrong. I don't know ...no matter which way I go i have someone telling me I'm doing it wrong. Ahh well, I guess I'm getting a little back of what I must have put my mom through when I was with Jay..

Kelly, you said, "I would never let someone treat me that way the person I am now and not say anything."

I think that sometimes you let Wynonna treat you that way.

You called to warn her of trouble and try to help her before things got worse. She hung up on you.

If your husband hung up on you, you'd be tearing him a new one. But you let Wynonna do it and have spent the evening thinking of the best ways to help her.

I'm not saying you're wrong for loving her and wanting her to be safe. But you do need to think about your actions and not just react to her. It would be so easy for me to try to rescue a kid like that. I hate to see anyone hungry or struggling. But the second she hung up on me, I'd have said, OK. Fine. Help your own damn self out. And the kicker is, she CAN do things to fix her problems and she's not doing them. She could have thanked you for calling instead of hung up. She could have at least returned the key to the old apartment so that they wouldn't have to change the locks. She could have given up on Dan's family 'helping' them. I know that she's scared of losing a free place to stay but things will not get better all on their own like magic. And they sure as hell won't get better by her being a dick to you.

Whatever her emotional problems are, you can't fix them for her. I'm not sure what the 'right' thing to do is, but letting her abuse you isn't it.

I agree with you that Dan's family are awful people and should never have done what they've done. But that doesn't excuse Wynonna. She's an adult. She has to take some responsibility for her own life.

Karen, you did make a valid point, and you are right about that. Yes I have let her treat me that way. Talking to a counselor one time, she told me that kids sometimes treat their parents that way because they know they can get out their frustrations and it's safe because a parent wont' emotionally call it quits. Where as someone who isn't as close or loyal to them will.

I think the reason that I don't dwell on how she reacts like that occasionally, is because I have been where she is, I was as mousy as she is. I wasn't my best self when I was with the kids father. I was inconsiderate to people sometimes, or took advantage of certain situations just to make him or his family happy. Whatever it took so that I thought we would stay together. I know I'm not and wasn't a horrible person, but I was so desperate for him to love me that I would do almost anything. So I look at her and see myself. I pulled myself out of it after some time. I finally ditched him and got a full time job which paid enough for me to support the kids on my own without any help. I don't know, maybe I was horrible before all of that, maybe my mom was seeing me the way I am seeing Wynonna now.

I fully agree that she could be getting her GED which would increase her chance of getting a job. I think the reason she's not looking into it is because she doesn't think she'd pass it.

She did offer to return the keys but by the time I got back to BIL, it was too late. However, her crappy attitude that she has towards the apartment management may be influenced by Dan and his family, but I also know that she does know better, she knows she's wrong there, but won't admit it. I'm not saying everything she does is Dan's fault, she's made her own bad decisions without others help. I know I make a lot of excuses for her, but I was almost exactly where she is, and I remember why I did the things I did and it was for almost the same reason she is.
Maybe mom needed to be harder with me. I guess maybe I just take the example of how mom handled it with me. I grew out of it and turned out okay, so I just automatically handle it the same way.

Kelly, that counselor was right about why kids do that kind of thing, but it is an explanation, not an excuse that makes it right. In other words, sure she may have hung up on you because she can and you will still love her, but that doesn't mean you just take that from her. I would have been madder than a wet hen and everyone would have known it. Hang up on me when I try to help - won't happen a second time you can be sure of that!!
I guess the issue I see here is that you have too much sympathy for her. I know she is your child, but why feel sorry for a situation she created, even if she acts in the same manner you did? Hard as it may be, try to be neutral and just accept the situations she gets herself into. I doubt she will starve, even if she has lost weight. Don't forget that she is giving food stamps to people who stole money from them they promised to hold. Why give them food stamps too? How can you go to the store with your food stamp card and then say you were not allowed to put anything in the cart? That is crazy in my book and giving any sympathy just allows more crazy behavior. I would have said how crazy that was to my child and let her go home and lie in the bed she made. Don't forget that it is not legal for her to give anyone that card! I would also tell your bil to do whatever he has to do with the apt and not sweat that at all. Then never again ask anyone to help her out because it will tarnish your reputation. It is called tough love for a reason - it is tough to do, but you have to or you will keep getting this same treatment (this may be what you get for life you know). You may have left your mistake after 7 years, but I know many people who never wise up. I have known too many women just like her, and none have wised up. They go from one bad situation to another, to an other. The only change being they have more kids each time. It is actually a rare thing for people to wise up and change. Most people get into the cycle and never get out, no matter how much "help" they get. Too many people just blame the "bad" boyfriend and feel sorry for the poor woman. Maybe she doesn't deserve the sympathy when her bad choices put her there and then she will just make another bad choice when she moves on to the next man. If you are a Dr Phil fan, maybe ask yourself what he would say? I doubt he would tell you it would be a good idea even to give her soup. How's that working for ya? I think getting kicked out, being homeless and in a shelter, could be the best thing to happen to her, in the long run.

The real disaster is yet to happen. If she's so gung-ho on this guy and will do anything to keep him, she's most likely trying to get pregnant. Even if she says she plans on waiting, if you can't afford to eat, you can't afford to buy birth control, and it's just so easy to say Oops. When that happens she will be tied to this guy and his loony family FOREVER. Then, even if they do split (they will!) he'll be that deadbeat dad that you're always talking about, Kelly. I would do anything to try to ensure that my kids did not have to go through that. I know you can't tell kids what to do, but I'd be sleepless nights until I figured out a way to get her out of there.

I didn't say that it made her behavior right. It wasn't a one sided conversation her and I had, I did say my piece before she hung up on me. She certainly didn't hang up on me because I was being nice and agreeing with her. I did end up talking with her again later after that and speaking my mind again. Was she being a jerk by hanging up on me, yes...and i did voice my anger at her for that.
I did tell BIL to do what he had to do, he was the one that called me to see if I would ask her, I told him I would, but I told him not to worry about whatever came out of it because it's his job and dont' lose any sleep over it. I didn't list every detail on my post..again I was just posting to blow off steam not to ask everyone what to do.
I guess the fault lies in me for complaining about it. When a person complains they open themselves to criticism. Then that opens the door for everyone to tell you how wrong you are and how they would do it differently. Again, everyone has the right answer even though the answers differ. I also swallow advice better from those who have raised teenagers, no offense meant, but I get advice on how to deal with teenagers from my SIL all of the time, she has a 4 yr old and a 9 yr old,but thinks her degree in Childhood Development makes her an expert. I do know that some things are just plain wrong teenager or not.
Believe me, I know my solution isn't right. I love this board and knowing that I can say how I'm feeling and know all of your comments and advice are meant to help, but they kind of hurt too. Yes, even the truth hurts sometimes. All of you only know Wynonna from my comments, you don't know her personally, and though I complain, she still is my child and I love her, she's not a piece of scum. She's making stupid decisions, yes. Could she make better ones, yes. Is most of what happens to her brought on by her stupid decisions, yes. As the 7 years of hell I endured was brought on me from mine. I need counseling after the crap I put up with and it seriously affected the rest of my life. I do have sympathy for her, but not just only because she's my daughter, I find sympathy for many people some of who I also probably shouldn't. It's the way I've always been, and probably what helped get me in the predicament I did when I was her age.

Again, I brought this upon myself by bringing the subject up for discussion.

Lori, I've thought of the exact same thing you just posted about. I don't want any grandchild of mine to be brought up in a family like that. Yes I've sat and thought what I could do to get her out of that situation. It's not like I don't realize what looks to be her future if she stays on the same path. If I thought there was any one thing I could do to get her out of that situation, I would have done it. Sadly, the only thing I could do would be hope for him to die or go to jail for a very long, long time.

I also can't help but think that her need to fix people comes from the relationship she had with her father. The one man who was supposed to love her unconditionally, and supposed to be the steadfast male figure in her life molested her during the fundamental years that children develop about and learn about relationships. In later years, she told me that she always wished he had changed, she wished that he had loved her. As devestated as the sexual abuse left her, she still felt sorry for him after the trial because he looked sad and no one from his family came to support him. I can't help but thinking that maybe that has something to do with her need to fix Dan. Dan and his family are almost identical as far as attitudes and issues and lifestyles that I wonder if subconciously she isn't trying to make up for the fact of what happened to her and make up for the relationship she should have had with her father if he hadn't been so screwed up, by fixing someone that's almost like him.

Kelly, is there any way the two of you could go to therapy together? I think you're probably right about her feelings about her dad, but it also sounds like what's happening with her now is dragging up a lot of old issues for you as well. Maybe you can't help her, but maybe you could help yourself. And if you can get her to come along a time or two, maybe it would help her see that it isn't you trying to break them up or any of that the-whole-world's-against-us crap.

Just a thought.

OK, here is what I did, it worked for me...take it or leave it.
I straightened not only Kristin out, but her Bf too.
I started by picking her up, taking her to eat, then bringing her back to where she was living, we called it the "group home", there were 6 other kids living there, all 19-22, none with jobs. I gave her gas money( I put the gas in myself, and paid for it) to look for a job, and when she got one I paid for her gas and lunch for a few weeks....with the agreement that I held most of her check for a deposit and rent on a place of their own. I took him to look for jobs, real jobs, no fast food, or grocery store. ( he is an insulator)
It took a while for them both to get hungry enough to accept my plan, and she did protest, but she got over it. The thing that really got them moving was Xanders impending birth...she was about 6 months along when I made it crystal clear that he would NOT be living in the place they were living, and if they did not move before he was born I would take him away legally...and I had already had the papers drawn up....

They have both grown up alot in the last 2 years. She is the district manager for Jack in the box, over 5 stores, and making about $4000 a month, he is insulating with an Asbestos abatement company for about 6 months now, and making about $1500 a week....he brings his check to me every 2 weeks to put in the bank...they are saving to buy a house, and will eventually have enough to pay cash....neither of them wants to finance.

The thing is, sometimes you have to draw the line and say " I will do this, this and this, but nothing else", and she can take it or leave it. You might have to light a fire under her ass.

That's really good advice, Erin. I'm gonna bookmark this just in case (crossing my fingers that I never need it).

I didn't mean to be hurtful in any of my comments, but I do tend to be blunt, sorry about that.
I don't comment real often in this forum, but I did because I was raised by a mother who worried more about the men in her life, than her children. I suffered the most from her choices, as I was the oldest. I sheltered my siblings as best as I could - and did pretty good too. I consider myself to have raised them. While my mother always held down a decent job, we had very little, including food. She always worked, so we never got any state help, not even food stamps. She got some child support, but not much really. She worked, and then she went out and played. I held down the fort at home. We did do stuff with her, but for the most part, we made our own little family. I even took the kids to church. I am pretty proud of the job I did (I don't think I have actually ever said that before).
We didn't dislike all of her boyfriends and husbands. Some weren't bad and even contributed to the household, making things better while they were there. Some made things worse though, and I was sexually abused by some. I am very proud of the fact that none of my siblings ever were though!
I didn't let any of that stop me from having a stable life of my own. I have been married to the same man for 28 years and 3 of our kids are now old enough to be on their own, the oldest being 26.
One last thing, my adult kids have taught me two things about picking up work when you have no steady job - 1-where there is a will there is a way, and 2-use Craig's List. You can find all kinds of odd jobs there, as well as real full time jobs. If you have services to offer, list them for free on Craig's list. Relist every day to keep them on top and seen by the most people. You can list almost anything - babysitting, pet sitting, computer help, painting, lawn care, etc. Read other ads to get more ideas. You see ads for all kinds of jobs too. My kids have picked up jobs ranging from working at a Boy Scout Jamboree (paid way better than you would think too), to costumed mascot at a kid's party, to extra on a tv show. Those examples were this summer too, not years ago.

kleenaechs good for you for saying so. I bet you did a fine job with your siblings. Your upbringing and past is only an excuse for so long. At some point you need to pull up your big girl (or guy) panties and take responsibility for yourself. Some people come to that on their own.... some need to be thrown off that cliff, and others, sadly, never will.

I agree. The only people who can't get any work are those that don't try hard enough or think they are above what they can get. Which is mind boggling. I would happily scrub toilets and flip burgers before I went on welfare.

Giving away and or trading food stamps is welfare fraud. Here is NY you can get them at 18 but if you are under 21 they can and will come back on the legal guardians. My BFs step dad had it happen from his bio daughter. Had no idea she was even on welfare, hadn't seen her for years until he got subpoenaed and had to pay back 2 and half years wroth of medicaid charges, food stamps and HUD fees from the time she applied until she turned 21 (she was already 25 when he was actually subpoenaed and cost him 56 grand). I would be very careful who you admit you know she is letting someone else use them around, it could come back to bite you in the ass big time.

Kleenaechs, I'm proud of you too. No one should ever have to go through that, but your siblings are very fortunate that you were there to take care of them and protect them.

kleenaechs , Me three. I know how hard it was just being an only growing up with a dopehead alcholic mother and various boyfriends/husbands. I cant imagine having to take care of siblings too. It was all I could do to keep a roof and lights once my grandparents could no longer afford to support her. You are an insperation.

I am trying to break the cycle in my family- My grandparents doted on and waited on and paid for everything for my mom and her twin. Bailing them out, fixing it all, doing everything. I in turn got to start doing that when I was about 12. I have decided that if I dont teach my kids anything else, it will be to show responsibility and that every action has a concequence. Usually, with them paying to replace what ever they broke, or messed up, instead of costing me every dime I have. (I am not talking about a bowl or glass- unless they throw them at each other- I am talking about things that get broken out of lack of respect or lack of attention) - And if they dont start eating what I cook at night- I am going to start charging them for a PB&J.... LOL

I am not being harsh kelly, and I dont think anyone else here is either- your right, we dont know a thing about your daughter, or even you for that matter, BUT we can look at it from an outsiders prospective. either a. as someone raised by someone with no concern for responsibilty, OR having raised someone who decided to pretend like they wernt raised with it.

No, my kids are not teens. I cant tell you what I will do when Rayley gets 17.- And I pray that she chooses the right path.

I started living with BR at 16, married at 18, and celebrating my 16th anniversary this year. I am very lucky to have the one I got. Had I not been wise and broken up with the previous BF- I'd be married to an ex-con drawing welfare or a single mom.

We are drawing on our own lives to try and help you because we like you, and hate to see you hurting. But more than that, we hate to see an intellegent young girl throw her life away and not try harder to get herself out.

she could end up 56 years old, alone, broke, miserable, not seeing her children or grandchildren EVER, and not being able to find love at all. (I'd introduce you to my mother, but we dont talk, and she is still in denial- its everyone else's fault , she just has bad taste in men, she has bad luck, people use her, and everyone is jealous of her).