My latest trouble.

Zaven's best friend will be spending the weekend with us. That's because his parents found out that he'd been stealing again and are at their wit's end. His dad basically called and asked me to do this so that he and his wife wouldn't accidentally say or do something they couldn't take back. Things have gotten that bad. And they said they're looking into him living at a group home soon. They have four kids (he's the oldest) and the stress of him constantly stealing and lying is tearing the family apart. Of course I told him that I'd be glad to help and that any time they needed us to help we'd take him. But I'm so worried for this kid. He can't seem to stop.

yikes... Good Luck Karen. I hope he gets some help and straightens out before it gets him in big trouble.

You are a dear friend to take on and help this young boy... but my guess is without some counseling, it's only going to get worse... and it worries me that the parents don't want to deal with, but rather farm him out. God Bless you for being their for him.

They need to find out why he is stealing. Is it because he is a klepto, or because he is stealing for money for drugs..... I commend you, I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

I'm with Erin, and Dee.

I can understand parents needing space- Lord knows there are times I just lock myself in my bathroom and cry, and pray that the house is still standingwhen I come out.

BUT- he does need counciling, he needs something- Soon he will be out on his own and then what? Prison, or dead...

GOd bless you for it.

He's been in couseling for years. They've tried everything they could think of and followed through in every way they could. It just doesn't seem to make any difference.

He's not on drugs. I'm pretty confidant about that or I wouldn't have said I'd take him. He's smart, kind, polite, not afraid of hard work, and good to all my kids even when they're trying to climb on his head. He just can't stop stealing. It's always tech stuff, so it's probably some odd combination of technology addiction and kleptomania. It's really sad because he's got so much going for him. Kinda like when Winonna Ryder shoplifted... where you know that she could have afforded anything in the store she wanted. His parents would have bought him any of this stuff. They've paid more for counseling, I'm sure, than the cost of what he's stolen over the years. But he risks losing everything he cares about for an ipod.

Poor kid.. Good for you Karen.. it's a rare person who would take in a troubled kid even for the weekend. Kudos to the parents for having the foresight to ask for your help!

This sounds like a great family with a huge problem. I hope they can figure a way out.

Thanks, Connie. That's a pretty accurate assessment of the situation, I think.

The weekend is over and it seemed to all go well. He and Zaven spent most of the weekend helping Scott rebuild a section of our kitchen floor. Scott is a firm believer in the idea that hard work is good for you so he's helping this kid by using him as free labor, LOL. Actually, they did work hard but since they had to be taught how to do everything, they probably didn't save Scott much time or trouble. But it was good for them. Scott said that they even found work to do while they were on break, doing things like loading the dishes and laundry. I think they were trying to win him some points and save the situation. But I don't think it's going to help much. Scott said his dad stopped by to drop off his medicine and that he couldn't even look at his son. His dad also warned Scott that it might not be safe to leave him alone with Caly or even Zoe. He hadn't done anything like that, but he's so out of control that they can't trust him about anything. He's been looking at pornography on the internet which is apperently not your average ordinary porn but things far worse.

I stayed in Somerset over the weekend while Scott was working onthe house. The boys got out on Friday at noon and helped Scott on Friday evening and Saturday morning. Saturday night I picked them both up and took them to Somerset so Zaven could see the other kids and his grandparents. We had to keep all the bedroom doors locked and the tech stuff locked in the car. I slept on the sofa with the car keys in my pocket so he couldn't sneak out of the house to go get it or sneak to where the other kids were sleeping. And when we brought him back to Upward Bound, we had to go through all his stuff and have him turn out his pockets to make sure he wasn't stealing.

From what I understand, the group home is probably the best thing for everyone. If you can't trust yourself to be in control of your behavior around your kids, you need to not be around them. So if it's gone that far, he needs to be elsewhere. And if he's a danger to his little brother and sisters he should definitely not be in the home with them. I hope they find a good place for him that will actually help him, though, not just keep him away.

Scott and I talked it over and have decided that if he gets kicked out of Upward Bound and has to go home, if his parents haven't arranged a place for him to go I will take the younger kids to Somerset and we'll let him stay with us for two weeks at the most while they try to find him a treatment center. I'm not sure how we'll work it out because Scott has to work and we can't leave him alone during the days, but we'll make it happen rather than have him be homeless or go back into a potentially abusive situation. I hope it doesn't come to that, though.

They are right Karen.. It IS the best thing.. IF they handle it right.

When I met my dh, he had a son from a previous relationship. The gf had taken off when she was pregnant and he had spent nine years at that point trying to find them.

He finally found them when the son was 10 and we all took off to Colorado to meet him. We had a great few days. They kept in contact and at 12 the son called and wanted to come live with us. We couldn't get any real information as to WHY.. The mom said one thing, the uncle said another thing and everything felt veiled. (thank goodness the family you are dealing with is NOT hiding anything)

Long story short.. we brought him down here and I had it in my head that this kid was basically not suffering any consequences for his actions (based on what HE told us his reasons for moving here were). I will admit I was tough on him. He had chores everyday and if he didn't follow the rules he suffered the consequences. I wanted him to know what he was getting into. If he was running away from rules.. it wasn't going to change in our home.

There were a lot of problems in the few months he was here but the big one came when he was grounded for basically stealing a bike AND breaking the rule that we wear helmets when riding. He didn't get to go to the State Fair. He had to stay here with my dd who at this point was 16 and AFRAID of him so she had her bf over as well. He got mad that he didn't get to watch tv because he was grounded and started cutting himself.

A few days later there were some news items about teens once again thinking choking is a game. Dh talked to him about that in the morning and later that afternoon him and Katie who was around 3 at the time were playing in the kitchen.. no more than 10 feet away.. suddenly the "quiet' bothered me and I looked around the corner to see him putting her stuffed monkey around her neck and pulling. The monkey is one of those with extra long arms and velcro..

I lost it and told him "I can't even talk to you right now.. go.." He locked himself in the bedroom and when dh came home he was STILL there. Dh took him to the local mental hospital and checked him in.

Come to find out.. what we hadn't been told: Him and his cousin had gotten caught peeking at the cousins sister while she was in the shower.. both had been looking at porn online.. he had molested his little sister (one year older than Katie at the time) AND he had molested his invalid bedridden grandmother.

The last night he was here.. I took Katie into bed with us and locked the bedroom door.. since then I have been terrified of what he will eventually come back and do.. The system does not take care of these problems the way they should.

He was in the mental hospital here for a week and labeled a sexual predator. I think the doctors here were RIGHT.

Once he got back to Colorado they put him in a facility with counseling.. didn't matter.. he STILL didn't have consequences that meant a darn thing and the counselors there ignored the doctor here's diagnosis.

His first week back in public school he was caught huffing in the back of the bus and got suspended from the bus for two days. That was it.. going back to school was a BIG deal for him.

As time went on his counselor would NOT answer his phone or messages and did NOT call for the pre-arranged sessions. Then in his reports claimed that dh was not wanting to be involved (huge fight there). They eventually put him in a group home.. we were NOT willing to have him come back here with Katie.

The group home also had no consequences it was all fun and games.. vacations to Mexico and Disneyland.. literally.. (can we say lets get rewarded for being juvenile delinquents?)

Last year he was finally released back to his mom. He called last month to say he had dropped out of school and wanted to move to another town with his gf because he doesn't like school where he is.. could we loan him $1000 to make the move? Oh yeah he is living with mom but they aren't talking but she doesn't "respect" his decisions..

I TRULY hope your case turns out better Karen..

Connie- that has to be SOOO heartbreaking for your DH. and for you. I hate that things have turned out so bad for all of y'all. He seems to have serious problems, but not enough structure in place to make it any better.

Although I wonder if he could be made better. We always hope so, but can everyone be cured?

work is the best thing for him.kids usuallu do things like this either for attention,or because they don't feel loved.Attention,work and being very strict with him is the best you can do for him.Good luck! It's so very nice of you!