whoo hoo!

JJ just checked the mail..and there was a child support check there. We don't usually see them and if we do we don't see much. He owes close to $30,000 dollars back child support. But I did recieve a sporadic check here and there last year for $60. or so once in a while. Well they took his taxes, and I just recieved a child support check in the mail for $564.00! JJ was so excited! It may not sound fair, but I am giving him $250. to buy clothes, and only $100. to Wynonna. Her and BF will just piss theirs away on cigarettes, alcohol, etc. If I thought she would use it to pay bills, and buy groceries or buy herself some clothes or something for the apartment I might give her more. Then I wonder if I should even give her the cash. Maybe I should just go buy what she needs, drop it off and not even let her know about the support check. Then selfish or not, the rest of the check is being put aside, because everytime Wynonna or JJ need money, they take what little survey money that it takes forever for me to earn. Everytime JJ wants to go to the movies, or Wynonna needs household stuff, it all adds up. So instead of taking my money, they would technically be taking theirs, I would just be holding on to it until they need it.

Its awesome that you got some money from him and its a nice size.

Being I have been watching my parents deal with a deadbeat (my brother) the one who doesn't want a job. Has a g/f that is just no good. I would say keep Wynonna's and buy her things she really needs.

My brother doesn't smoke, but does drive 2 hours each week to see his g/f round trip. Always begs the folks for money. Eats them out of house and home. Begs to the relatives. Screws me over. Etc.

Our situations are not the same, but in a little way they are.

I say buy what she needs, or even something frivilous, but no money. I agree, they will blow it on BS. OR, save it for next month when she needs help on a bill or something.

oh...and I plan on buying myself a large Watermelon Slush Puppie with extra squirts of syrup!

I think I will take and buy dish soap, shampoo, deodorant,razors, cat litter/cat food, etc. and tell her if she needs help with her electric for the month that I will take care of it and leave it at that. I would rather her not know that there was a check that came in because she will tell her BF and he will want her to get the cash and they will have a party or some dumb shit with it. The only problem is JJ knows about the check and I have to hope he won't tell her, I explained to him why he shouldn't.

If she's the type to blindly hand over money to her bf I would not hand her any money ever. Ever. It would irk me to no end knowing he had a little splurge when YOU were the one who has supported her financially all of her years growing up. That money is just a tiny fraction of a payback for what YOU have already spent. If she's an adult now, she can take care of herself. That money will reimburse you for what you have ALREADY spent feeding and clothing her while she was a minor. Or does child support continue for quuite some time after a child has declared himself an adult?

I think it is a nice idea to buy them some stuff, but you don't owe them that even. That is really your money for support you already provided for them. If your dd does find out, tough. She can asked for cash, but that doesn't mean you owe her any.
BTW I hope you enjoy that Slush Puppy!!

I realize that it's for support that I have provided and Kris has provided the kids all these years. However, I know JJ will put his money to good use and buy clothes and shoes with it. He mentioned wanting nice clothes to wear for work. He's looking online at sales right now. Its just that this support money doesn't come hardly ever and it would be stupid to make bad use of it. Especially for Wynonna because there is no income coming in there. It's not that I don't want her to have it, but I don't want her to have it if she's going to waste it. I may just have to see if I can make a trip over there while Dan isn't home. If I can catch her by herself that would give me the opportunity to explain things to her. I think if he wasn't right there, given the chance she wouldn't want that electric bill hanging over her head, and she would love to get cat litter and other stuff they can't afford to buy on a regular basis. If he knows about it, it's toast.

Lori wrote:If she's the type to blindly hand over money to her bf I would not hand her any money ever. Ever. It would irk me to no end knowing he had a little splurge when YOU were the one who has supported her financially all of her years growing up. That money is just a tiny fraction of a payback for what YOU have already spent. If she's an adult now, she can take care of herself. That money will reimburse you for what you have ALREADY spent feeding and clothing her while she was a minor.

Amen! I say don't mention it to her at all. You already bought her food, housing, clothes, medications, etc. for the last two decades. This is your money. If you choose to spend it on her at all, spend it on things she CAN'T provide for herself like an expensive medication or repairs if her car breaks down. The toiletries are something she could get for herself (especially if she would follow your advice about couponing and requesting free samples).

Oh, and I think it's great that you want to splurge on JJ, btw. He's not the one making reckless choices and then depending on you to bail him out. I just wouldn't give any to Wy unless there was a need, rather than a want.

Well, JJ is making choices that are going to benefit himself. Working, finishing school. Plus, he's still under your roof and clothing is going to have to be purchased. Shoot, I almost feel like I'm playing favorites with Kelly's kids now.

No one is playing favorites...I have had to ask myself lately because I feel like I am always ragging on Wynonna. But it's not because shes a bad kid, she's just making bad choices. Shes never had a good self esteem, I don't know why, and she tends to be whatever she thinks the person she's with wants her to be. She doesn't have her own opinions around him, etc. it's whatever makes him happy. She's so insecure and is determined to try to make this work with him and prove everyone that they are wrong about him. She will smarten up and get tired of this type of life eventually (the kids father was the same type of guy and I used to be mousy around him). Hopefully sooner than later, but for now she tends to make choices with the maturity of a 13 yr old. It doesn't mean I love her any less, I can be truthful about her and I still love her just as much as JJ.

I get it. And you're handling it the right way in my opinion. We all know you love them both. You certainly wouldn't put up with her BS if you didn't. I only meant that I think JJ deserves a reward for working hard, towing the line, etc. It's easy to sometimes overlook the kid who's doing what you want because the kid who isn't takes all your time and energy. That's how it goes at my house at least. At the end of every month we have a mini party. Just a rented movie and a nice dessert. But the kid who was the most helpful, courteous, etc. gets to pick the movie and dessert. That's my way of keeping the focus on the ones who are quietly doing what needs to be done rather than on the ones who are throwing a fit. So I guess I'm saying I think JJ deserves to pick this month's movie, LOL. From your posts about him, I get the feeling that he's trying to be a good kid.

I agree, he does deserve a reward. And we have been indulging him for a while because while Wynonna was living home it was always about her. Not because we were ignoring him, it's just that there was always a drama going on with her that we were attending to. He was always the easy going kid. I have to admit though since we have been indulging him a little since Wynonna has moved out, there are times that he expects things instead of seeing them as a privilege and I have to nip it in the bud sometimes. He's recieved some expensive Christmas and birthday presents this last year and we usually pay for him to go to the movies or roller rink once every other week and he has been able to keep the money from recycling bottles and cans for pocket change. We just need to make sure he doesn't stray from his current path, he's doing great so far.

Kelly, have faith that you are making the right choices. I have one getting ready to graduate college this coming weekend and one living at home with her baby.

I would NEVER ask the first one to contribute to the household and never did when she did have to come back home to live for year. The second one.. I am asking her to contribute at least $100 a month. Not because we need it but because she needs to learn that this is what life is about. Instead of saving her money she has been blowing it on non essential items. Something the first one would never do.

Each child is different and you have to approach how you teach each one differently. Have faith that you know what is best and do what you feel is best. That is truly all you can do.. even when it feels weird.

KellyM wrote:...while Wynonna was living home it was always about her. Not because we were ignoring him, it's just that there was always a drama going on with her that we were attending to.

That's exactly what happens here. My older two kids are teens, good kids, work hard in school, follow the rules 95% of the time. My younger two are 3 and 5. The little kid who's crying for mom just naturally becomes the focus. Wynonna isn't exactly a crying toddler, but it's a similar effect. Her problems took your attention and focus because someone needed to focus on them.

Connie wrote:Kelly, have faith that you are making the right choices. I have one getting ready to graduate college this coming weekend and one living at home with her baby.

I would NEVER ask the first one to contribute to the household and never did when she did have to come back home to live for year. The second one.. I am asking her to contribute at least $100 a month. Not because we need it but because she needs to learn that this is what life is about. Instead of saving her money she has been blowing it on non essential items. Something the first one would never do.

Each child is different and you have to approach how you teach each one differently. Have faith that you know what is best and do what you feel is best. That is truly all you can do.. even when it feels weird.

Kudos Connie!
I think that is great you make her pay... she should pay. If you give some an inch they want a mile. And doing for them and giving them everything does no favors for anyone. It just simply teaches them that they don't really need to step up and take responsibility someone will do it for them. Especially having a baby.... it is not suppose to be easy and you have raised yours. As much as I KNOW you love your grandbabies letting your kid off the hook does no favors for either of them.

I was a rotten teenager~ rotten to the point that all of of you would think yours are angels... the best thing my parents did for me was let me fall flat on my face. Granted they hold some blame, I had my first apartment at 16, things at home were far from pretty but time went on and things changed.

But at 18 when I had nothing... they gave me nothing. Today I will tell you it is the greatest gift they gave me. I was given the option of moving home and following the rules or figuring it out on my own. The one thing that they allowed was for me to bring over my laundry to wash.... with my own detergent, lol. I hated them for it at the time but had they not I would have most likely became the whiney adult who still expects mommy and daddy to bail me out. Being a mom I see now that it was probably much harder for them to do than it was for me to do.

You are so right Tara.. Letting them fall is the hardest and best thing we can do.

If dd didn't have the baby.. she would NOT be living here. She still gets an attitude every now and then but I promise it's nothing like it was a year ago. She truly is a loving and caring person who WANTS to do the right thing but she is clueless about real life.

She does buy groceries for her and the baby but we are talking bananas, spaghettios, egg rolls (only because I introduced them to him to get veggies down him), hot pockets, and those baby food graduate things. She also does stop to think about things like dishwasher and laundry detergent. She also cleans the bathroom and anything else I ask her to clean before she leaves for the day, but overall, she is clueless..

So Im not feeling bad about asking her to pay ONE household bill a month. She did look at me like I was nuts when she asked how much I wanted her to pay towards the cable bill this month and I told her it was around $135.. lol.. The previous months she has been generous with her money and helping but this month I wanted to take her by surprise and I did.. Now she knows.. She forked over $100 and this is how clueless she still is: She bought me two 2litres of pepsi and lottery ticket, she bought herself at least $5 in tix, she has went out for breakfast at Mcdonalds the last two days (did bring home food for everyone, to give her credit), yet this was all AFTER she could only afford $100 towards the cable bill... sigh..

We have a long way to go still..

Well I am off tomorrow to go shopping. Mom and I are taking JJ to go clothes shopping with the $250. I gave him out of the suprise child support check we recieved. I haven't had a chance to talk to Wynonna yet, I am going to take $100. and hold it aside. I think mom and I decided to sneak over there sometime in the next week and a half to ask her if she wants to go for a "girls day out". If we manage to do that and her bf doesn't throw a fit, then I am going to let her know once we get to town about the money. However it will be stipulated to her that I will take her to go pay whatever bills she may have (usually just electric) and if she needs something such as household items or whatnot that's fine. Even if she wanted to get herself a lil' something like some makeup, or something for the apt, that's fine too. But I will tell her that I refuse for her to bring home cash money that may be spent on dumb shit.
Out of the $564. I did decide to take the $64. for me. I plan on seeing what deals I can find for cleaning stuff ( I can never have too much cleaning stuff) Usually I love looking at Family Dollar, first their prices are low, they have a clearance rack, and if I can find stuff on the clearance rack they take coupons on top of clearance prices. While we are in Presque Isle, I think I will also look at Lowe's to see if I can find any more deals like I did a week or so ago when I got that Simple Green Natural Cleaner for 70-80 cents a bottle. Hubby thinks I am weird to get excited about cleaning stuff. I figure if I have to do it anyway, I might as well use products that make it more enjoyable.

Had a good day today. JJ bought 3 pairs of jeans, 4 shirts, a pair of sneakers, cologne, deodorant, a new bike tire and tube and still has 12 dollars left. He bought his sneakers on sale at Olympia Sports for $63. and the jeans and shirts were on sale at JC Penney. I thought he did great.
I bought myself a purse, (a Jaclyn Smith purse at K-mart for $20.) and then at Mardens I found those Arm and Hammer natural cleaner refills (2 refills per pkg)2 pkg for $3.00 ...so basically 4 bottles of cleaner for $3.00, not a bad deal. I didn't have to cook, hubby bought dinner, and the weather was beautiful today..

Sounds like a great day!
About your dd, I was just thinking that if you pay the electric bill, won't they have that cash to party on? Just thinking like a kid here, and that is what popped into my head. If they don't have to pay that bill, it will still be money to buy pot or beer, or whatever crap they want at the moment.

They dont have the cash period, neither one of them work. Rent is paid by a low income program. They get food stamps. The only bill they have is the electric. If he is working an odd job or two then I won't pay the bill, if he isn't , then I would pay it.

HOnestly Kelly, if its not snowing, I'd let them sit in the dark. seriously.

I've made my mother do it. When you grow up, you have to wear big girl panties. I'd just step back and let them. there is not a baby in that house. these are two grown adults, (they chose to be) who are ablebodied. I might sound like a bitch. But if my electric got cut off tomorrow, I wouldnt ask a single person to help me. I'd do what I could to get the money to pay it.

So far, between you and the system, their lack of social skills, work ethic, and morals are being accepted and smiled upon.

I know its hard, but honestly, would you rather her go through some tough times now, when she is really young? or wait 20 years and you will be paying all her bills, and raising her kids?

because I promise you, you will be. They WILL NOT grow up, until they HAVE to. My mother didnt. and still wont. she is better about stuff- but not by much. She has literly made my grandfather a poor man. between her and her brother they have broke him.

I am not trying to sound harsh, I'm just speaking from expeirience. I grew up with someone who was 'almost' made to tow the line a few times. but Mommy and Daddy always made sure she had cigerettes and lights and a roof. well, when they were out of town, and I was in charge of THEIR checkbook (been on that account since I was 12, so I wouldnt go hungry) I stopped ALL bull shit. she straitened up for a few years. You know what finally made her shape up? Needing DOG FOOD, pot and cigerettes. yep. didnt have the money for DOG FOOD. not HER food, not HER lights, or HER a house. but those things.

And I'm not saying YOU didnt instil ethics and morals into her, but she is unlearning everything YOU taught her by this boyfriend. You taught her "if you dont put your laundry in the washroom, you wear dirty clothes" he is teaching her "if you sit on your ass and play video games all day, folks will feel sorry for you and pay your rent"

Until they hit rock bottom, they wont pick up that shovel and start to dig. All I would do is hand them the shovel. I wouldnt give them a comfy blanket to roll up in to keep clean...

The only reason I would give the child support money to her for electric is because if they don't keep electric hooked up they get written up by the apartment complex..and 3 write ups and you're kicked out..

If it were me, I'd set the money aside for a true emergency such as Wynonna getting seriously sick and not being able to work or having an accident which totaled her car. Basically, I'd set the money back so that when she needed help for something she has no control over, I'd be in a position to help her. Maybe you have more money than I do and know that you can help her out in a non-emergency and still have money to help her out later in a crisis. Sad to say, but I'm broke enough that I wouldn't be able to cover both.

How you spend the money is your choice. But I think the best way to help her is to let her fall on her face. To me, it's a lot like watching a toddler learn to walk. You see how unsteady they are and you want to keep them from getting hurt. But picking them up and carrying them only delays them learning how to do it on their own. And a fall now isn't going to hurt them as much as never learning to walk.

Wynonna CAN make it on her own. She's smart, strong willed, and capable. Trust in the fact that you raised her well and taught her all that she needs to know. If she falls down, let her get herself back up. Give her the gift of self respect and pride in her own accomplishments. I say be there for her in an emergency, but otherwise let her have her own successes and her own failures.