Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

TELL ME THIS WONT HAPPEN TO ME


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake
pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay
calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. 'Disregard.' He says. She got in the back-seat by
mistake.'
_____________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94 year
old
yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up
the stairs
and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92 year old is
sitting
at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her
head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's
at the door.'
_____________________________________

I CAN
HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,'
the second man
replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am
I. Let's have
a
beer.'
_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping
her
gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take
the
soup.'
_____________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.' Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments
later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.' Mildly irritated, he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my! Neck.'
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 'Where are you
going?' she asked.

'To get my teeth!'
_____________________________________
DOWN
AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,'Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!' An elderly gentleman
in
the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?' Bessie thinks a minute and says,
'Close
enough.'
_____________________________________

OLD
FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.

One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and
said, 'Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a
long time
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally
she said, 'How soon do you need to Know?'
____________________________________

SENIOR
DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!' 'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one
car. It's
hundreds of them!'

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other
woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'


Please !!!!

TELL ME THIS
WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!

Mom's In Therapy


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children..

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter, Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go
get dinner.'

How Many Mice Does It Take To
Screw In A Light Bulb?

Now, wait a minute, before
you scroll down for the answer,
see if you can figure this out
Come on.........................
Think about it !
How many ....???


All right, if you think you're
really ready to give up ,


but you're going to be
very embarrassed!

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,




'No, I Norwegian'.

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers

a donkey instead of a turkey, we all would be having

a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

Quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?'



The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid

hunter and never misses a season.'



One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.



Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.



The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'



The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said,
'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds,
'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter,
who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one --
which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
you do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so
I will give you credit for that answer.'
'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but
I thunk and thunk about that, and
I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied,
'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but
I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run Forrest, run!'

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Here's a joke I made up myself when I was young. At the time I thought it was very original and hysterical. Amazingly, I don't remember anyone getting the answer when I asked it.

Q: What do ghosts have in their noses?

A: Boo-gers!

How do you make a kleenex dance?



Put a little boogie in it.

My son will LOVE booger jokes!


Here's one of his latest....



What's inside every clean nose?





.......... fingerprints!

Booger day in the jokes forum, I love it!

Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....

If This Does Not Make You Laugh Out Loud, You Have Lost Your Sense Of Humor.


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed
and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I
headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed..
3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told
him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.. Whew, I got away
with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he
said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Absolutely love this one! Thanks for reminding me that my girls night out is WAY overdue!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will
Fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
To the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
With all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
Where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
Break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
To bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
Moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
For you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
Groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
Expected to find exotic items like 'thyme' or 'tofu.' For all I
Know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
Working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
This will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
Gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
Control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
Misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though
One time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
( applies to engineers mainly ).
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
Thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
Sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
You ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
Have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
Calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
You got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
Movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't
..and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will
Certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
Others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , I think what you're wearing is fine. I
Thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
Too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
Looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
Now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man , and this is, after all, the year 2008, I
Will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
The cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
And I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden
With a beer wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to
Better understand men.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started…

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

====================================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

And then the fight started.....

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,’Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking righ tafter we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started.....

Bubba walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself!'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Bubba declares, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'



He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. ; Closed coffin.

___________________________________

GRACE, Seemed sheepish as she

Visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'You're simply going through the change!